The surreal journey into the infinity of all things grand.
The air had a pleasant bracing overtone to it. Such that when I first stepped foot out of doors, I felt called, if subconsciously, to draw an uncommonly deep breath. Such that when on doing so, I felt driven towards thinking of things high and universal. The streets were, it seemed, palpably gray with the descended mist. And ringing out in the silence that stood, I could hear the vestigial raindrops hitherto held back in the budding foliage of Spring. And incomprehensible though it seemed, the closer I listened to this chorus disharmonious in its beauty, the heavier grew my thoughts. My mind was beginning to feel heavier. Physically too. It was as if the blood, answering the call of need, had surged upwards, filling the unclaimed territories inside my head. Crushing the beginnings of clarity. Enwrapping me gray on the inside. So that gray I saw. And gray I felt.
I felt the remnants of control tugged away, slipping. I quickened the pace to match the intensity of the anguish, hoping against hope for it to let up. Knowing too, that it wouldn’t. I had been here before. I would have known better than to keep trying, but there I was. Trying harder still and to increasingly less avail. And then.
I mustered up what little suppressed will I had and stopped dead in my tracks, marginally short of actually crying out. I drew my lungs full of that steadying fresh air and that seemed to arrest the progress of it. The trick was to try and not think. To maintain the equilibrium. It seemed to work. It dissipated. I ensured no more thinking was done. And I walked on resisting new onslaughts. And I heard the world speak again. And then I felt that which I had only felt once in my life.
There was this sudden, rushing sensation. But it was a thought too. Yet it was bigger than just that. It was a state of being. The surreality of it was times as much as that of déjà vu. And still for lack of better point of reference it was akin to that. It was as if for a fraction of a moment the world was presented to me with all its mysteries exposed, in all its history, past and to come. Suddenly I felt I knew it all. There were no thoughts to put in words, no imagery to discern — it was so fast. As if the world in its infiniteness had been taped and then played back to me on fast-forward within that fracture of a moment. When it was gone, I was left with an idiotic smile still there on my face and no trace of knowledge that I thought I would have. Yet I know I knew. For that tiniest length of time I knew. And then I forgot.