In Praise of Gay Marriage
I am a millennial, so the fact that I am in favour of gay marriage is about as surprising as the fact that I regularly wear pants. But the reasons for my views on gay marriage are perhaps somewhat unusual in that I believe I understand and respect the other side of the debate. I do not think that people who are against gay marriage are homophobic in general.
I think it is worth expressing my counter-argument in public in light of the upcoming plebiscite on gay marriage in Australia, where I live.
As I understand it, the best social conservative argument against gay marriage runs thus. Despite modern prevailing views to the contrary, the institution of marriage is intended not as an expression of love between people but rather as the foundation of a stable environment for the bearing and rearing of children. On this view, heterosexual sex outside of wedlock is to be considered immoral because it run the risk of a pregnancy for which the parents bear unequal responsibility — the father can run away far more easily than the mother. The negative effect of conception outside of marriage is a greater risk of abortion or single-parenthood. As this notion of marriage is specifically about the best environment in which to conceive a child, it is nonsense to apply this definition to homosexual couples because homosexual sex runs no risk of pregnancy.
The difficulty I see in the above argument is that it takes an authoritarian stance on the institution of marriage. The argument posits not only that our society ought to maintain and defend the institution of marriage but that all marriages must be entered into for reasons that society deems acceptable. If I were infertile, I should not be compelled to share this information with my society in order for my society to determine whether the marriage should go forward. Moreover, if I chose freely to share that information with my society then it would seem in appropriate for my society to deny me the chance to enter into marriage — especially if my society frowned upon my entering into sexual relations with a woman were I not married to her.
Perhaps society would frown less upon my having sex outside of marriage than they otherwise would were I infertile. But I do not think society would entirely cease to frown, assuming they were frowning to begin with. I certainly think those who oppose gay marriage are highly likely to continue to frown. On what basis could they frown?
The answer, I think, shows why we must accept gay marriage. Continued and loving sexual relations between people signifies feelings that go far beyond friendship. Over time, sharing a bed with a person makes that person into a family member regardless of whether a child is conceived or not. And the ties of family carry with them responsibilities that friendship does not.
Ties of family are codified in many ways in societies around the world. A person who dies without having written a last will and testament can expect that their wealth will be shared amongst family members. A person who chooses to relocate to a new country can expect their new country to grant family members appropriate dispensation to relocate with them. I am sure you could think of plenty of other ways in which familial ties confer privileges upon your family members — even those who are not your children—that would not be conferred upon your friends.
We return, then, to gay marriage. Who amongst us can say with conviction that two men or two women who choose to have regular sexual relations and share a bed for years will fail to develop the ties of family that a man and a woman would under the same circumstances? Who amongst us can say that the institution of marriage should be denied to the man and woman who wish to enter into such familial ties simply because the man is infertile?
I certainly cannot. I think that the institution of marriage is not about the bearing and rearing of children but is rather about formalising the ties of family between long-term sexual partners. And I think that homosexual partnerships grow into familial ties in just the same way as heterosexual partnerships. I therefore think that our society should accept homosexual marriages and confer all the privileges concomitant with heterosexual marriage to homosexual couples who choose to marry.
