I Made The Choice But Have No Control Over The Outcome
A painful journey to becoming a single parent.
I got some news today. Not the news I had hoped for. I could say it took me by surprise but in truth, it was the same news I had been getting for 18 months now, so why should this be any different. Well because maybe this time, it WAS different.
I have written a lot recently about choices and how I feel so fortunate to have carved out a life for myself that allows me the freedom of choice. Don’t get me wrong, I still have to work, still, have to pay my bills, still, have to worry about whether or not rents will continue to go up in New York City. But I do have a sense of peace. The choices I have made over the years ( you all know by now that I invest in Real Estate) have brought me peace. I feel more secure in my future and therefore more comfortable in my present.
I read a simple quote recently;
“ when the mind knows it has another option it calms down”
And I feel calm.
It wasn’t always this way but calmness arrived just in time for me to make the greatest decision of all. My most important choice yet.
If I may set the scene for this part of the story. I have lived in the U.S. for almost 20 years now (14 years in NY) and can safely say, it has been a great ride. I have worked hard and enjoyed experiences I never thought possible. I have met the most wonderful people, many of whom I consider life long friends. I have rubbed elbows with celebrities, some iconic, others not so much (R.Kelly anyone?). I have listened to inspirational speakers share their life’s work and have watched friends as they set off on journeys’ to make a difference. I have traveled to beautiful parts of the world and have shared many “pinch me now” moments with the people I love.
I have also sought out love. I have dated almost entirely for the years spent in New York. And boy do I have many, many stories. I smile big when I think of some of the dates. You have to remember, I started way back when you barely whispered the word “online” when asked how you meet someone, or when you didn’t want to be overhead, used the fingers-on-a key-board motion, hoping they would pick up on the cue. I vividly remember the day I sat in a cafe in the West Village, secretly writing my profile. Tell my friends? Oh hell no, I wasn’t quite ready to admit that this was how I was planning to meet “the one”.
I wish I could find that profile now.
The point of this diversion is to highlight the fact that I never gave up on finding love. I never gave up on my pursuit of meeting the right person. Certainly, I have matured since those early years of dating and understand at a greater level what is needed for a successful relationship.
And so, when I reached the age of 35 and wondered when I might meet my life’s partner, I decided to set one of my greatest goals yet. It went something like this.
If I have not met someone by the end of my 38th year, I will start the process of having a child by myself.
I can almost hear you gasp. Setting a goal for having a child, is that really necessary? Can’t you just see where life takes you and hope that you will meet the man of your dreams, get married, have children and live happily ever after? Yes thank you, I have thought of that, but also live in a reality where 50% of marriages end in divorce and as you move through your 20’s and early 30’s, you start to realize that maybe, just maybe, meeting the right partner, vs the partner for right now is more important.
I also understood then that I wanted a family and couldn’t imagine my life without one.
Fast forward, many dates and stories later, I hit the end of my 38th year and was faced with a decision of epic portion. Do I REALLY want to have a child by myself? Do I REALLY understand how difficult life will be? Am I READY to give up on the dream of meeting someone and creating a family the traditional way? And finally, am I READY financially to bring a child into this world?
Although this was not the journey I imagined for myself, the answer was simply YES.
* Yes, I do want to have a child by myself
* Yes, I do understand how difficult life will be
* Yes, I am ready to give up on the traditional way,
* No that does NOT mean giving up on love
* Yes, I am ready financially to bring a child into the world
* Yes, I have set myself up to be able to provide a good life
* Yes, I am ready.
And so, April 13th, 2018, my 39th birthday, I started my journey toward parenthood. I have a lot to share about this journey but will save that for another post. Think donor selection (match.com flashbacks), race, hair and eye color, height, education, musical interests, sports achievements, written piece, voice recording. The list goes on and on. And believe me, so did the scrolling.
I remember the morning of my first procedure, a morning filled with so much emotion. I took it all very seriously, taking a quiet walk down to the Hudson River, writing a note I hoped to give my child someday, willing them at that moment, on that bench to “choose” me.
I had made the first choice after all, and assumed mother nature was 100% on board and willing to oblige.
Not so fast.
18 months, 72 weeks, hundreds of trips to the doctor, countless needles drawing blood, 5 IUI’s, 4 failed IVF’s, including a trip to Barcelona, and I sit here tonight working hard to shake off the news that yet again it has not worked.
I will keep going. It is emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. And it is not cheap.
I am doing it by myself but I am not alone.
All of the choices I have made so far, have led me to this.
And let me tell you.
In life, some things YOU get to choose, and some you have to wait to choose you back.
