Family and Country
…a Letter to YVYNYL
My friend John “Bueno” McCartney has been playing music with his fiance for years. He and I work in the same office pretty regularly, so during our lunch time, naturally, we talk about music. One day, he began sharing what it was like to have two separate music projects within one couple, how working with a lover changes everything, and what he and Kristin Bigness do to make it stay fruitful. So of course, I asked him to write his thoughts out in a letter:
Hey Mark,
Take a moment to consider the fact that the history of rock and roll is littered with the destroyed relationships of those who defined it.
It’s disheartening to see the fantasy of the rock n’ roll power couple die, again and again. Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore, Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, Neil and Pegi Young. In many cases, we looked up to them. The songs they wrote (sometimes for each other) helped create the soundtrack of our relationships. Every time a new celebrity musician breakup hits the news, it leaves us all asking: “Damn. Why?”
I won’t pretend to know what their relationships were like or what eventually tore them apart, but I can take you inside some of the struggles my fiancé and I have faced — and how we’re trying to make this fantasy a reality.
Six years ago, I met Kristin Bigness — the love of my life and my partner in all things music. It was inevitable that our first conversation would be about our respective musical projects. Music, whether writing or performing, is truly one of our shared loves — a major factor in bringing us together and one that continually keeps us connected, both personally and creatively.
Unfortunately, music is also one of the only things we fight about.
Music is personal and, as a result, sharing a band with someone you also sleep with can be touchy. Kristin and I share two bands. Our most recent debates emerged upon the completion of my first full-length record under my current project, Bueno and The Goods. Since neither of our bands have started bringing in the big bucks yet, we both work 9 to 5. This left precious little time to record, mix, and self-promote a record for The Goods, while at the same time maintaining momentum on Kristin’s project, The Bigness.
In June, we excitedly began laying down tracks in the studio with one of my favorite producers, Jeff Zeigler. As the summer dragged on, I greedily monopolized time and band assets in my feverish quest to finish the record. Saying I was obsessed would be an understatement. At the same time, Kristin patiently supported me. Recording her parts, coaching me through my vocals, and enduring my occasional crisis of self-esteem. She did all of this while, at the same time, putting her own project and real passion, The Bigness, more or less on hold.
As summer came to a close and we began sending out some pre-release tracks for Bueno and The Goods’ album, For Family and Country, we found — to our chagrin — that no one really gave a shit. I had taken too much time off from shows and promotion while writing and recording my little brainchild. And without a pretty significant tour and promo push, the record’s reach would be fairly limited. This was the point where Kristin’s patience began to waver. She had been enduring my bullshit all summer and could no longer support my obsession while allowing hers to drop by the wayside.
Worn out from lack of interest in the record, I suggested we put the The Goods on hold and shift focus to The Bigness. The Bigness had momentum. We played great shows at great venues to attentive crowds.
At first it was a relief. After some time, however, a familiar itch returned and I suggested we take another crack at The Goods. I love my songs and I missed playing them. One of the darkest periods of our relationship began. Kristin had no intention of putting the brakes on The Bigness for another punishing go at The Goods. I began to resent the time I was giving to The Bigness, which I felt was not being reciprocated.
Even this letter was pretty difficult to write, as when I started it, I was in a pretty dark place and my first revision immediately got us into a fight.
I was hurt by the lack of support I was getting from Kristin and called it out pretty specifically. After some time passed, cooler heads prevailed, and I wrote an overly flowery tribute to our love and understanding — which no one aside from us would find to be an interesting read. (Incidentally, this is my third draft.)
Why was this time so hard for us? First and foremost, you may be aware that artists do not typically become great by being well-adjusted, rational people. It can be argued that in many ways — regardless of your medium — it is the art that puts you in this state of maladjustment. It’s an expression of yourself so personal that you would go to blows to protect it.
To most, getting into an argument about a song, bad performance, or project priority seems dumb — childish even. Clearly, your love for each other should be more important. But to a musician, it is totally understandable. At first it brings you great satisfaction to create. Later, you find yourself unable to be happy without it. In many ways it is an addiction. In most cases when Kristin and I are in a dispute with regards to music, I know that I am being a fucking asshole and so is she. We can’t help ourselves.
With all of this being said, I couldn’t be with anyone who doesn’t understand why I make seemingly crazy sacrifices in the name of my music. God bless my past and present bandmates’ girls. I can remember reading the looks on their faces as we dragged them to dive bar after dive bar for late nights of playing for no one and no pay. And I don’t blame them in the slightest. This is not something a sane person does. In fact, quite the contrary. Thankfully situations have improved, but standing on those beer-soaked stages is something I genuinely love. I couldn’t be with anyone doesn’t share this passion first-hand.
So, in the end, for us at least, we’ve decided that the good far outweighs the bad. Ultimately, we made some sacrifices to get to the other side. We put The Goods on the back burner and I made peace with the record’s limited success. It was a rough journey, but I can now confidently say that I really love the record and couldn’t give a shit if it has mass appeal. I have embraced my lead guitar role in The Bigness. And in the spirit of compromise, we have been finding new ways to breathe life back into The Goods. In our regular routine, we’ve learned to critique with kindness, protect our bandmates from domestic disputes, and respect the fact that we’re both bat-shit crazy, sometimes when it comes to music.
We’re getting married in August, and we vow not to let the thing that brought us together tear us apart.
Best,
Bueno
P.S. Clearly we’ve worked through a lot in writing this. We’d like to thank you, Mark, for the free couples counseling.
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Please feel free to check out more Letters to YVYNYL, an ongoing series of personal notes about life, love and the magical power of music.
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