Death

Comes not from hopelessness alone.

Why do people fall into depression?

Almost always it stems from either

1. Abuse
2. Abandonment

No one is completely void of these two strands of pain.

I believe that sadism inflicts the most damage. Particularly when it comes to parents and their young children.

One can and cannot blame parents for this, for they themselves are damaged, some broken beyond any repair.

At what point does it become so dire that the person gives up, disregarding everyone that is left behind?

Suicide is the bravest act a person can commit.

It is one of the very few times when cowardice is preferred over courage.

It is also one of the most selfish things someone can do.

For one to carry out the act and succeed, the pain is so grave that it trumps the person's knowledge of the hurt people will suffer from because of their death.

But it is just as courageous to not do it.

It's just as courageous to stay alive.

˜

I have Bipolar Disorder I. I am 26. I was diagnosed when I was 19.

It comes from

1. Genetics
2. Environment and upbringing

I have experienced 2 bouts of deep depression and 2 bouts of mania.

Both times, it has gotten precipitously more severe.

This year, I experienced and am experiencing my first tangible round of dysphoric mania, also known as a 'mixed state.' When mania goes on for too long and gets completely out of control, this is what it devolves into.

A professor describes:

Rapid waxing and waning of elation, crying jags, misery, guilt and euphoria. It’s almost as if you see a kaleidoscope of symptoms of varying quality in very short order.

My experience:

I cry, arbitrarily. The smallest things move me.

I am fearless. I will do anything on a dare, as long as it does not put myself or other people in danger. I have no shame.

I am easily irritated and oftentimes become explosively angry.

Anger is putting it lightly. The correct term would be rage.

Painful experiences change my perspectives on people. My walls grow thicker and higher.

I don't enjoy writing. I write because I have to or I'll explode. What I write on Medium is 10% of what I write everyday.

I become more open and candid than ever.

I become more reserved and private than ever.

And I learn that being nice and taking the high road kills people, in the best sense possible. To reward people who hurt you with kindness is the sweetest payback.

-

Medication can only do so much. But finding the right recipe is the key to stabilizing my mood.

I am hopeful and very open to trying new medication, even though many of the side effects have been beyond awful.

I'm not anything special or new. There are people that suffer and cannot get help or treatment. I want to help them one day, when I myself am stable.

I will return to baseline. I promise myself that I will.

This one’s for my jie. My older sister.

I love her more than anyone or anything in the whole world.