For tens of fifteens of years we’ve been using electricity. Ever since Benjamin Franklin sent his key into the heavens and called down that spicy yellow air, we’ve thrown it into our walls and have been able to power everything from a calculator to two calculators. Muy caliente!

But what if this magic from the halls of Olympus is actually no bueno? What if it’s been a lie this whole time? Much like my two broken calculators, this just doesn’t add up.

I was recently sitting in my Spanish for Idiots class at the learning annex, contemplating how to get…


Have you ever looked at your head? Like, really looked at it? It’s disgusting. Hair spills from the top of it like the crop of some perverted farmer, and the mouth is far too wet. Sometimes I fill my mouth will sand to dry it out and yet saliva still runs from the corners of my lips like the irrigation system of an even more perverted farmer. I hate it.

Then one day, while going to local businesses to hand-delivering my manifesto on how squirrels are technically fruit, I came across something rather intriguing: a man with a rounded piece…


Look, we all know Eric. He’s the guy that always brings those little pimento wraps to the pool party. He’s got at least twelve pairs of shorts that we know of and they make his calves look amazing. Everyone can agree, Eric is the coolest rooster at the cock fight. But there’s something most people might not know about him.

Eric has a dope couch.

I’ve been lucky enough to sleep on that heavenly ass-mattress from time to time, each sleepy experience somehow more magical than the one before. Most nights my dreams are terrible visions of service workers yelling…


Whether it’s cruising down the parkway to find interesting turtles or rolling through back alleys to find hidden turtles, it’s clear: we all drive. It’s become a part of every day life, a necessity, to be able to hop in your AMC Pacer and drive to the nearest turtle hole. But there’s a glaring problem with our modern day chariots that we rarely talk about: the lack of shovels.

Cars come with so many features nowadays that we expect to be there, and rightfully so. Imagine looking at a new car and not finding the hose to keep your driving-slacks…


It’s hard to find true love in this day and age. What with Tinder and Bumble, OK Cupid and Farmers Only, it can be hard to connect romantically with another person. So you can imagine how excited I got when I found out about robots.

For those of you that don’t know, robots are just like human people, but instead of blood they have wires and instead of eyes they have death-row inmates eyes hot glued to their robo face. It’s an amazing time to be alive.

But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. You see, I’m a single father…


Every year October rolls around. Every year we get a month full of chills and thrills. And then every year October leaves us in the dust for the fright-free turkey month, making us wait eleven whole months for even a glimpse of a dancing skeleton or the excitement of a sugar seizure.

Why?

It’s selfish of October to horde the spooktaculars all to itself. Sure, October is home to the best spooktaculars! We all remember the block parties as kids where we would dress up as our favorite character from the show Dallas and fuck a pumpkin til the sun…

Zach T Koehn

Author. Poet. Intelectual. @kandykoehn on Twitter.

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