Jesus Christ and the Easter Bunny Versus Zombies
A resurrected Jesus Christ was sleeping peacefully in his new home in the city of Morningside, somewhere in North America bordering Argentina, when he was startled awake by the ringing of the phone. RIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG- RIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG- RIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG, it said. Jesus reached for the phone, got the headpiece out of the cradle, and put it to his ear. He liked old technology.
“Do you know what time it is?” Jesus said, sleepily.
“Jesus, it’s me, Melvin. There’s quite an emergency,” said a familiar voice on the other end of the line.
Melvin was the Easter Bunny, otherwise known as the secular symbol of Jesus’ rise from the dead.
This had better be good, thought Jesus. It was the middle of the night, and he could sleep till he himself was dead again.
“The whole graveyard at the Moring Glory Church is at ’em with zombies!” Melvin, a.k.a.. the Easter Bunny, wailed. “I need your help to put ’em down.”
“Melvin,” sighed Jesus. “I raise people from the dead. I don’t kill anyone, let alone the living dead. Just let them be and maybe they will go back to sleep.”
“Jesus!” shrieked Melvin. “These are brain eaters! Do you want to be held accountable to your Old Man for letting these guys go and eat the brains of innocent people!”
Melvin had a point, Jesus supposed.
“Give me a minute, and I’ll be there,” said Jesus.
“Hurry!” yelled Melvin. “These critters are all over the place. I’m doing just my best to keep ’em from leaving the ‘yard!”
And, after hanging up the phone and changing into his trademark white robe and sandals, Jesus teleported himself by using his special powers to the gates of the graveyard. Melvin, about as high as Jesus’ knee and all pink (save for a white belly, white nose, white paws, and pink ears — yes, he looked like a cartoon), was thumping his right foot impatiently.
“About time,” said Melvin, putting his cell phone into the folds of his fur and hiding it there. “You expect to go fighting zombies wearing that outfit?”
“Melvin,” said Jesus. “I wear this all … of … the … time.”
“Well, it’d better be good enough to kick some zombie butt,” said Melvin. “At least they’re slow movers, not runners. This way.”
Melvin led Jesus deep into the graveyard, which was now teeming with hundreds of the living dead. Jesus remarked to himself how well these zombies looked — the embalmers had done a good job. These weren’t flesh-decaying corpses of the sort George A. Romaro would have dreamt up. These zombies looked like they were ready for shopping. They were pretty fresh, for some reason.
Jesus raised his arms, and began to preach to the hordes of the undead. “There is a parable that my Father told me. About the fish who — .”
“FORGET THE FLIPPING PARABLE ABOUT THE FISH!!!” screamed the Easter Bunny. “KICK SOME F’ING ZOMBIE ASS!”
“Are you sure that would work?” asked Jesus.
“YES!” said Melvin. “IT’S THE ONLY WAY!”
With that, Jesus began attacking the hordes of the undead. He started by kicking a man between the legs. It was a little hard on account of the robes, but Jesus managed. He always did. However, his action didn’t seem to have much of an effect.
“Go for the head!” suggested Melvin. “On his shoulders!”
And, with that, Jesus karate-chopped the man at neck level. The head felt off, and quite easily too. Jesus then used the head as a bowling ball to plow down an advancing horde of the shuffling, lurching undead. They fell over and Jesus began extracting the heads from them as well by ripping them off with his bare hands.
“Right on!” said Melvin. “Gimme a high five!”
Melvin leaped up and Jesus gave him an outreached palm. They slapped their hands together.
And, so, Melvin joined in the fray, tripping the zombies as they slowly shuffled towards Jesus. Jesus responded in turn by stomping on the heads into a bloody pulp. Melvin found a spade learning against a gravestone left by a gravedigger, and tossed it to Jesus, who began brandishing it as an axe. Heads flew off in the dozens and Jesus chopped at the zombies with his shovel, and Jesus was amazed at just how little blood there was. However, this didn’t surprise Melvin. These zombies didn’t have hearts that were beating. They just were animated corpses, as though they were being pulled from the ground by the Almighty Father, who had every power known to Man to raise the dead and do so without any vital organs functioning.
Or maybe it was the power of Satan?
Whatever. It didn’t really matter to Melvin. These were zombies, and they had to just be dealt with without pondering about it too much.
In time, a small crowd of the living had gathered in the cemetery, awakened by the noise and clang of Jesus and Melvin fighting off the advancing undead.
“Go get ’em, Jesus!” yelled one spectator.
“Thatta boy,” yelled another.
In short order, and because the zombies were now advancing on the living, because, well, they had brains that could be eaten, Jesus raised his hands to the heavens and threw lightning bolts at the remaining hundreds of zombies. They were all fried to a crisp in an instant. The entire cemetery was now devoid of zombies.
“Boy, I wish you’d done that earlier,” said Melvin, now visibly sweaty. “It would have saved us a lot of work.”
The townspeople of Morningside offered their praise and thanks to Jesus, who turned to them and began to speak.
“Peace be unto you,” said Jesus to the gathered crowd. “Let this be a lesson to those who wish to follow in my stead. Kill only those who are undead. In doing so, you would not be disobeying the commandments of … .”
“Hey, everybody,” interjected the Easter Bunny, who was now wearing sunglasses, even though it was pitch black outside, and now had a basket full of all sort of chocolate goodies that he had procured from goodness-knows-where. “That was cool, yo! Here’s some free candy for everyone. Remember, eat lots of candy! That’s the lesson here.”
Jesus sighed. Melvin was upstaging him again. This always happened. He didn’t really know why he bothered. He should have just let Melvin do the dirty work, and gotten the rest that he so craved. But Melvin would have just lodged a complaint with God, and would have just told him that His Son wasn’t paying attention to the demands of the secular symbols of his faith, and, by not fighting the zombies, was letting the inhabitants of his new home down. And God, knowing him, would invite Jesus on a fishing trip, to offer hours of guidance in dealing with the secular world. It was important that people had these symbols to uphold, considering all of the atheists they needed to convert.
“It’s been a slice, yo,” said a beaming, sweaty Melvin to Jesus. “I can take it from here.”
And then Jesus sighed and magically teleported back to his bed, so he could sleep for an eternity.
Thus, this was how Jesus and the Easter Bunny managed to fight back the hordes of the undead in the city of Morningside, whose residents were now assured that if the dead were to walk the Earth, Jesus and his secular friend would be there to lend a hand.
That Jesus and the Easter Bunny managed to work together at all? That was a small miracle.