10 Ways To Deal With America's Baby Formula Shortage
The baby formula shortage in the US isn't getting any better. Between empty shelves and predatory scalpers on eBay selling cans of formula at exorbitant prices, mothers across the country are struggling to feed their newborns. Most are willing to try almost anything out of desperation, even the more unorthodox ideas…
1. Cut The Formula With Talcum Powder To Make It Last Longer
When drug dealers "cut" heroin, they add a similar-looking powdered substance — baking soda, starch, crushed up aspirin, etc. — to their baggies so they can sell more drugs. Desperate mothers can adopt this practice to get a few more bottles out of their formula. Talcum powder is the perfect substance because it mixes well with warm water and won't contribute to childhood obesity like sugar.
2. Steal Some Formula From Canada
Seriously, they're like super polite up there. Shoplifting is a crime, but If a mother were to cross the border to steal a couple of cans of baby formula, she wouldn't face much resistance. Maybe a store employee asking her to "Please pay for that formula, eh?" as she walks right past him and out the door, but that's about it.
3. Eat Your Baby
Let's be honest: the world doesn't need another baby. Just one more human to grow up and pollute the earth, contribute to overpopulation, and generally not contribute anything worthwhile to society. Rather than watching a beautiful innocent baby mutate into a smelly, moody teenager, wouldn't it be better to enjoy a nice meal? Meat prices are high and your baby is free. Nothing else hits like a plump, chubby bubby, lightly seasoned and grilled to perfection. Plus, any parent that feels guilty or changes their mind after cooking and eating their baby can just have another kid. Problem solved!
4. Feed Your Baby Dog Food (The Wet Kind, Not The Dry Kind)
Babies and puppies are a lot alike: they are both super cute and get exponentially uglier the older they get. Puppies eat dog food, so why can't babies? It's just sound logic. Just make sure it's the wet kind and not the dry kind, or the baby might choke, and if that happens, it's back to option three.
5. Give The Kid Water, It'll Probably Be Fine?
Water is essential for a baby's well-being. A newborn is like, 75% water, and they pee that water out ALL THE TIME. If formula itself isn't available, feeding a baby only water should be fine, right? Yeah, it should be fine.
6. Blackroot
Can't get any Enfamil? Feed the baby Blackroot. It's what Madmartigan's mother fed him, and he's great. Bonus: it will put hair on the baby's chest, and as everyone knows, a hairy baby is a happy baby!
7. That Imaginary Food From "Hook" That The Lost Boys Eat
Remember Hook? That movie was cool. Some people think it's Spielberg's worst movie, but those people are stupid and should probably have their anuses violated by hornets. There was a scene in Hook where Peter and the Lost Boys imagine a bunch of brightly colored food and throw it at each other. Any mother or father could most likely do the same if they imagined hard enough. It may not work for baby formula specifically but the stuff they imagine in the movie looks pretty goopy. Even if the baby in question isn't quite ready for solid foods, they can probably slurp down some Neverland goulash without too much trouble. Just be prepared for the rainbow abortion that claws its way out of that child's colon. Bangarang!
8. Breastfeed, Duh
As long as a mother doesn't have a baby with allergies, doesn't have a baby that won't latch, doesn't have a job, doesn't have a problem producing enough milk to satisfy their baby, didn't have to stop breastfeeding for any reason for any length of time and now can't make milk, isn't a single dad, a grandmother, a stepmother, or any other non-biological guardian, and she wants to, she can just breastfeed her baby. Seriously, how is this formula thing even an issue?
9. Homemade Formula
Parents can easily make a baby formula substitute from home. What's even in baby formula anyway? Powdered milk and vitamins? Let's go with powdered milk and vitamins. Just crush up some Flintstone vitamins, mix it with powdered milk, and BAM! Baby formula! No powdered milk? Boil some milk on the stove until all the water evaporates, and scrape out what's left at the bottom of the pot. No Flintstone vitamins? Just substitute any old vitamin supplement hanging around the house. Even those big translucent fish oil pills, mush a couple of those up too and throw them in. Why not? Don't trust this recipe? Look on the r/homemadebabyformula subreddit. There's bound to be something good on there.
10. Regurgitate Food Into The Baby's Mouth Like A Bird
When an infant is still in the womb, it essentially eats what its mother eats via the umbilical cord. In a worst-case scenario, there's no reason why it can't again…eat what the mother eats, that is, not eat through an umbilical cord. Structuring a makeshift umbilical cord out of household items while possible is highly dangerous and not recommended-even with a YouTube tutorial. No, the much safer and easier option is for a Mother or Father to chew their food and spit it into the baby's mouth as birds do. Yes, it's gross, but it's the only sensible thing to do when faced with no other options.
