Why Family Photos Trigger Me
*Trigger Warning: Discussion of sexual assault.
The long term impacts of sexual trauma continue to surprise me.
Today I visited my Grandma for lunch. During the visit she pulled out some old family photos. Photos of her home country, of my Grandpa, my father as a child and of all the extended relatives. I recognised some of the faces, and saw a resemblance in all of them.
I was quite fascinated, and proceeded to look through more of her photo albums. Over time I became extremely distressed. All of a sudden I noticed that I was very irritable, dissociated and tired.
In the past I would ignore these feelings, or put them down to the ‘heaviness’ of the food. However through therapy, I have learnt to investigate these kinds of feelings whenever they arise. After some soul searching, I realised the cause of my mental anguish.
As I was looking through the photos, a part of me was scanning the faces of each older male, looking for the person who had assaulted me.
I have very little memories of the assaults, just some scattered feelings of pain, fear and shame along with some distorted ‘scenes’ of the bed and the smell of the freshly washed pillow.
I don’t know who assaulted me, or even how old I had been at the time. I had always assumed that it was an addict that came to my father’s house to score a hit, but I cannot be sure.
So today, I found myself questioning each male in the photos as the potential perpetrator — even the ones that had passed away before my birth (who said triggers were logical?).
This was terribly confronting, as well as shattering for my memories and feelings towards them. I found myself applying what had happened to me onto the memories and personalities of each of those family members.
Memory is fickle. I am filled with doubt. Today that doubt forced its way into my memories of every older male member of the family. As I said, I don’t know who did it. But what I do know is that something happened to me, and that as a child, something happened to my father.
Does this mean that the same older male family member did something to me as well? Not necessarily. But that doesn’t stop my brain from making those instant connections and then being triggered by those connections.
This isn’t the first time this kind of thing has happened. I now realise that I have been similarly triggered by old videos, photos, and gatherings of both sides of my family.
I have learnt that triggers can come when you least expect them. Upon reflection, I realise that I have done this often. Both with photos, but also with my memories of the past. I would remember an event or think of a person and wonder if that was when it happened, or if that was who did it to me.
Perhaps that’s why my memories of the past are so blocked out. Every time I try to recall something, I am scanning the memory for signs of trauma.
I share this with you, because I know that some of you are going through similar experiences. If you can relate, I want you to know something; you are not alone. People care and there is support out there. You just need to reach out.
~ Zachary Phillips
Website | Twitter | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Pinterest
Ready To Start Thriving?
If you want to start living a life of fulfilment, happiness and meaning, take a look at “The Seven Life Principles That You Need To Turn Your Life Around” checklist.
