Saturday Mea Culpa

You go somewhere new, always somewhere new, somewhere further than before. Always blinded and excited by the unknown, you create a new little bubble, a new little world. Yet sometimes in life, it may happen that in one day, that little world of yours is turned upside down. Something happens, and the variables of this programmed world are challenged: Congrats! your system has been hacked. And you have this fear that in fact, you will never be able to make anywhere feel like home. That your years, even tough precious and counted, are just a long chain of wasted efforts. That you are unfit for stability by birth. And the urge to leave is there once again. You want to escape, start from zero once more, but deep down you have this gut feeling that you can’t do it anymore. That you don’t even want to. And yesterday I got the answer to that question that I’ve always repeated myself over and over. “Is it yet time to leave again ?”. And usually, the answer has always been Yes, time to go, say my goodbyes and unroot myself further and further. And change is always messy and I’ve never learned to adjust and bend some of my character traits according to where I am. I’ve never learned to stay until the end of it, even though I did push for it sometimes. I am way more often a depression with a person than a depressed person. But yesterday, it all became clear. When all my life, all I had the strength to leave, storm out and slam the door for good, it’s about time I find the strength to stand my ground and stay.
I haven’t been myself these last weeks. I’ve been greedy, entitled, restless, sleepless, childish and lost, and hurt and furious. I’ve been acting, refusing help, stubbornly not seeking it even if it was often offered. I faked joys that were not there and I forced myself to do things I didn’t want to do. I clung to ideas and mechanisms that haven’t been working for me for a while. I encourage people to see the best in their selves when I often saw only the worst of my person. I’ve been so focused on pain, (probably because it’s a familiar feeling), that I’ve lost sight of my will to change, to live and to be happy. And… that’s completely okay. Because I am changing, because I am young and mostly clueless even if I want to make it seem otherwise. I know things but I forgot to stay humble with myself and accept that I don’t have an answer to everything. I forgot that I am loved and not alone and that I have people who really care, and that my way of caring is not everyone’s way of caring. And now that it hit me, I want to apologize, but I don’t really have to, because I have just been a little more human than usual, a little more willing to show that I can be fragile too. And for once it feels right because I don’t think I’m being judged for it.
Everything will get better. And I may struggle a bit, but that’s still part of the journey and I am still willing to enjoy it. And this time, I will stay.