On love

[The space between you and me]

There you are, in one corner of the bed we share.

Here I am, in one corner of the bed we share.

You in your world of sleep,

Me, possibly in mine.

[4 AM]

I am dreaming of you.

You don’t know that.

Our little girl is tossing and turning between us, about to wake up any moment.

You don’t know that.

[4:30 AM]

I am nearly awake,

But I don’t want to wake up.

This bed, we share, is bliss,

Perhaps this bed is the only space I want to be in, forever, if forever were an eternal span of time.

[5:30 AM]

The alarm rings.

I had set it last night (as I do every night) to wake my body to get to work.

I don’t want to work.

I want to lie in this bed, this bed we share, forever. Only if forever were an eternal span of time.

[6:00 AM]

Before I get into the world of work, the world of professionalism, the world where you and I have a ‘working relationship’,

I want to touch your skin.

Is the touch familiar?

Are you familiar?

[6:15 AM]

I place my face, close to yours.

There are so many things we share, and yet, there is nothing we share.

Our hopes, aspirations and dreams — they have gone their own ways.

Your voice is no longer audible to me. My voice, has become silent.

[6:25 AM]

I wish this time does not pass.

The nails of your toes, tickle my feet sharply.

This is the sensation I love.

This is what about you I have loved.

[6:30 AM]

And then my insecurities get the better of me.

I am to wake to run, to mile a run, and then get into a day where we will be running past each other, and running with each other.

We will adorn the garb of professionalism,

And settle into a ‘working relationship’.

[6:40 AM]

I still want to be on your skin.

I have forgotten what it is like to be inside your skin.

I have forgotten what it means to be in love with you.

I am a responsible person, now.

[6:55 AM]

This world has turned mundane. After all, it is 7:00 AM.

It is a hopeless world that I hope to find some hope in.

There is the cacophony of work, the cacophony of so many noises.

I am learning to settle into these cacophonies, hoping I will learn to swim after drowning in the currents each day.

[7:00 AM]

I pick the tub of clothes to start the process of laundry.

The clothes you wore last night, I have forgotten to touch and feel them.

The washing machine will start now,

And my perception of this world will turn into a set of chores.

[7:15 AM–7:30 AM]

Our little girl will wake up,

But I want to drift into the chore of making the morning tea.

My cup of morning tea, which is the first consolation and ray of hope, each day.

I will become more responsible, now.

[7:30 AM–8:00 AM]

And now the world is fully awake.

There will be people,

People, people and more people,

Between us. Throughout the day.

[8:00 AM–9:00 AM]

Then there will be machines and devices,

There will be attention and distraction.

We will eat breakfast with more and more information, to become healthy humans.

The space between you and me, is just about a few meters.

[8:00 AM–9:00 AM]

My anxieties now take the better of me.

Work, and more work, have to be done.

Such useless work, which I try to find meaning in.

But such useless work is my anchor, my consolation, my spouse. You are no one in this mirth and muck.

[9:00 AM — 11:00 AM]

Now my anxieties have taken over me.

I am unable to see you. I am unable to hear you.

I only think of our ‘working relationship’,

Our ‘working relationship’ which has defined the space between us.

[11:00 AM — 1:00 PM]

Then I think there will be some space.

But there isn’t any space, ever, because it is has been shrunk by time and my ghosts.

I try to search for meaning inside myself.

Sometimes there is hope, sometimes there isn’t. There is always some lunch, though.

[1:00 PM — 1:15 PM]

I take time out, thinking I own it.

I don’t own time. It owns me fully.

You will eat your lunch, some place, some time.

I will eat mine, in silence and peace — my only time.

[1:15 AM–2:00 PM]

Now I am fully professional, as a well initiated member of the professional work force.

I have conquered what I believe some part of the world.

I have made myself useful.

And hopefully, you’ll find me precious because I am useful.

[2:00 PM–5:00 PM]

The marathon of work has started to drain me.

I dread the rest of the day, for it will be lonely and mundane.

I search for people now, those very people I have despised between you and me.

The space between us has expanded.

[5:00 PM–5:30 PM]

I speak to you, from a role and position of responsibility.

But love is not a responsibility.

Love is being. You are being, I am struggling.

I despise this time of the day.

[5:30 PM–6:00 PM]

I walk back into the world of loneliness.

I hope you will come to my rescue, sometime, soon.

The clock does not tick as fast as it did earlier in the day.

Time is a drag. Time is a drain.

[6:00 PM–8:30 PM]

Now my only consolation is a hot meal.

I hope the little one will fall asleep, sometime soon.

So that I can go back into my childhood world of fantasies.

Will our little girl inherit my world of fantasies? Will she fall in love with a different person? Will her life be different from mine?

[8:30 PM–9:00 PM]

I long for you. I have taken off the clothes of professionalism.

I still wear the garment of responsibility.

I wish you take my clothes off.

So that we can make love, and I can be myself.

[9:00 PM — 12:00 AM]

If you did not have the time to look at me,

Can I invade your space and feel your skin?

Can I not be afraid of our personal relationship and let it invade our ‘working relationship’?

Can we not have a ‘working relationship’ any more?

[9:00 PM — 12:00 AM]

If we were not to have a ‘working relationship’,

What ‘relationship’ would there be between us?

We left some part of our selves some place back in time.

I cannot remember that time. I cannot remember our conversations beyond work, beyond our anxieties, beyond our aspirations.

[9:00 PM — 12:00 AM]

Oh come on, drop these thoughts, you!

Let’s pull up the blanket, get ourselves some warmth,

Put our heads on our pillows and drift off into the world of sleep.

You in your world of sleep. Me, possibly in mine.

[11:00 PM — 12:30 / 1:00 AM]

The space between us, is occupied by two pillows.

Soon it will be, by our little girl, who will wake up.

The space between us, between our skin,

Is a gap.

[1:00AM — 3:59 AM]

I am still in love with you. Am I?

[4:00 AM]