Definitive Guide to Trumpian Music
Who is the Rihanna of the alt right? The Radiohead of the KKK?
Donald Trump is an anagram of Damp Old Runt, Land Dump Rot, Mr. Adult Pond, and Land Turd Mop. Melania Trump: Alien Trap Mum, Nu Armpit Meal, Terminal Puma, and Mr. Piñata Mule. Mike Pence: Emcee Pink. What does this all mean? It means aspiring garage bands in the age of Trump have fertile, pungent soil to till from when creating a name.
Below, a guide to the very best of radically pro-Trump music. Their sounds and agendas vary — misogynistic trance-core, Islamophobic chamber pop, horrorcore bluegrass that rages against Obamacare — but each act is named from letters scrambled from the ball-cap mantra Make America Great Again.
A Maraca Mania Geek Tiger
Described as “America-first screamo fusion” on their SoundCloud page (six followers), Hermitage, Pennsylvania-based Geek Tiger sounds like Dashboard Confessional meets David Duke. The teenage trio of Milo Yiannopoulos fanboys sing of “tender midnight kisses that mustn’t mean more than what they are,” “the way Tabitha’s gym class grass stains lustfully match her emerald eyes,” and the “nationwide grease-stain of Mexicans.” Every one of their songs, calls to arms for bolstered border patrol and ballads of high-school heartache alike, ends with a sample of a post-9/11 Toby Keith single, when he bellows “brought to you courtesy of the red, white, and blue.”
Essentials: “When Will She Caress Me When I Show Her My Pro-Life Values?” “(Her Blouse was Billowing) At the March for Life” “Tissues on a Nightstand: The ballad of 2009–2016”
A Maraca Meerkat Ageing I
A Maraca Mania Geek Tiger cover band, with a middle-aged meerkat named Dale on bass.
A Maraca Imagine Rat Geek
Neo-Nazi barbershop quintet based out of Arkadelphia, Arkansas. Best-known for their reworked version of “Mr. Sandman” (“Master Bannon, raise those steel beams / make it the cutest wall that I’ve ever seen”), Rat Geek owns the white nationalist wedding circuit, and regularly opens for Three Doors Down cover bands. They are:
Bo-Gomer Duke-Deese Zebulon-Lafayette VIII (tenor)
A.C.L.U. Haterade* (baritone)
McCracken McRib McDiculous (lead)
Michael Flynn (bass)
Ardent men’s rights activists, Rat Geek has a ceremonial “fifth” member: a hologram of a flaccid and tattered penis.
Essential: “Shoo Bop Shoo Muslims, Shoo!” “Hello Ma Baby (Love Song to 53% of White Women)”
* Stage name of Angus Cornelius Haterade
A Margarita Anaemic Geek
A “tuxedo spiritual” octet of Wharton MBA graduates at JP Morgan. Secret Trump supporters for tax reasons and racism, the eight white men perform only in the privacy of each other’s helicopters, or after their sixth mint juleps at the strip club.
A Teacake Margarine Magi
Florida panhandle-based 15-year-old triplet boys whose grunge metal songs fixate exclusively on belittling Beyoncé, who they call an “evil sorceress who screeches over shitty urban melodies as she tries to bewitch the fairer sex into believing in independence, assertiveness, equality, and other inferior-brained values corrosive to the Republic.” (They’ve never told each other, but they’ve each had recurring erotic dreams about the artist, and secretly listen to B’Day when they’re feeling blue about their report cards.)
Essentials: “Daddy Lessons (He Taught Me How to Make My Own AR-15)” “If I Were A Boy (Already Am, & It’s The Best)”
Other acts include A Emaciate Karma Gearing, Irondale, Ohio’s second most popular evangelical shoegaze quartet; A Cameraman Tiara Eke Gig, adored by RedState as “the Partridge Family of the alt right”; and Krav #MAGA, a lo-fi goth reggae trip-hop duo of 48-year-old Reddit trolls who send each other beats and 300,000-word autocratic manifestos from their parents’ dial-up modems. All their greatest hits will soon be available on Now That’s What I Call Making America Great Again.
In the interest of fairness, a few bipartisan anagrams
Barack Obama: Maraca Kabob, Arab Cab Amok
Ronald Reagan: A Granola Nerd, Garden or Anal
Theodore Roosevelt: Overdose Hole Otter, Vetoed Hero Retools
Abraham Lincoln: Anal Ranch Limbo, Hairball Conman
James Polk: Lamp Jokes