I have been ashamed of loving god.
Life is only as magical as our belief in magic.
I’ve been told that I am a people person in recent conversations with my lover. Lost in disbelief, I quickly rebuttled the entire idea of being a people pleaser, explaining myself with more than necessary. Losing sight of my most infamous teaching, the truth needs no proof, I proceeded to explain otherwise. As polite as can be, he listened to every word, example, and complaint I could possibly offer. Unmoved, he disagrees. Knowing me better than I know myself, he offers me clarity with endless examples of me being there for other people. Reminding me of my tarot readings that I service to many, and all of the social gatherings that I’ve hosted countless times. But what made his argument so clear was the addressing of my life purpose and the goals that I aim to achieve, and how everything that I do is in service of the greater good of the people. Delayed with my learning of his facts, we moved forward to other topics nonchalantly. The topic replayed in my mind repeatedly, as I pushed continuously through the week. I knew there was a lesson I was blocking, and I kept hearing my own words return back to my head.
“The main things people say they don’t like, are the main things they don’t like about themselves”
It has been almost a week since we’ve had this conversation, and now I am talking about life with my good friend Arthur. He’s speaking about this amazing person he met while singing to himself out loud during a casual walk, and how this random person was telling him how he’s afraid of being an artist, and that he should show his artistry everywhere he go. This person guided him to the realization that he isn’t wearing the person he truly is on his shell, like he think he is; and began deeply encouraging him to begin so. This person started singing along with him unapologetically, and they continued walking down the street.
The conversation he had with him was what many call channeling. Channeling is simply when god speaks to you through a person to give you a higher message, as a spirit guide. Him sharing the conversation with me was synergy, and me being an empath I quickly tapped into my experience of such encounter, however, being the Libra I am, I finally see my lesson more clear through observing it in another. That’s for another post, but understand that Libra’s learn who we are through others, we grow through the mirrors of relationships.
Herbalism sparks deep interest within my heart (which I am now certified in). I love holistic practices and often times find myself in a herbal shop. I stumbled upon a herbal shop with a friend while I still resided in Pennsylvania. It opened within recent months, and is black owned; creating a place of inspiration since I aspire to have my own herbal shop. On my way out from picking up a few items from my purchase I found a lady in the corner speaking manifestations, and prayers into her herbs. While observing her I saw courage, no shame, and honor within her love for god. I understood deeply, because when I sage my home, charge my crystals, and simply walk home, I always find me in deep meditation with the universal source. However, that is where I limit my love for god, in privacy. And here this woman was, fearlessly speaking her love, sharing, asking for the universal guidance. The fears I have of being viewed as insane, a witch, or overall unacceptance wasn’t present for her. I spoke to her on my exit from the shop, telling her that I am too afraid to do that infront of anyone. Calmly, she began to remind me that one cannot be ashamed for their love of god, and simply reminding me of the fruits that god brings us, and that she rather look insane than be without. I expressed to her my fear of speaking to god in front of other people, and her final words were,
“Closed mouths don’t get fed”
I’ve always heard that line, and never quite fed too much thought into it. But after such a beautiful encounter I knew instantly the lesson. How can god love follow me everywhere if I don’t carry it everywhere? If I don’t speak, or honor the relationship and the gifts the universe has given me, how can I ever live life to my full potential; this is the ultimate relationship. This relationship is synonymous with the love of myself. It is simply one of the same, and I am god. I’ve always had to love myself in privacy, protecting myself from others words, misunderstandings, or simply scaring others. But all this has done is disconnect me with the god within.
After the conversation with my lover, I see now that it is my tongue that denies my heart. It is what I speak that either pushes me closer to my purpose or further away from oneness. The power of the “I am” is very powerful, and is the name that God refers himself as to Moses within the Bible. Now, I am not a religious person, but I am deeply in tune with the power of language. And I know that our life is a product of our speaking, and what we speak is what will come. However, I ignored the power of god within my being that is manifesting everything around. A very wise woman once told me that
“the mind cannot take a joke.”
She taught me that the mind does not hear “not”. She proceeded to give the example of, “I do not want to be sick” and explained how the brain does not register the word not, but hear the word “sick”, and gave a better alternative, stating “I want to be healthy”. Claiming health within our lives, instead of trying to escape illness is powerful yet challenging.
Learning the power of the “I am”, and embodying the power of the self is something I do so well, privately. But the power of the “I am” can also work against us, constantly reminding me to work on my internal thoughts, because nothing is more dangerous than our own thoughts. My own fear of being alone, insane, or downright a burden to many has isolated me from many topics that I know is expansive. It has been my own fear of being too spiritual to function that has kept me silent on topics that truly awaken my soul.
With all of this being said, being ashamed of myself has cornered me into the shame of god. I am accepting my greatness into my life, one breath at a time. How I know I’m walking into myself? Well, I wrote this post. And I became silent within my writing over the years, keeping my words to my journal, silencing my tweets, even stopped blogging. It is time that I return to my elements, one peace at a time. It was fearing my own greatness for so long that has shown me that I am ashamed of god. And fearing such greatness has led to my life down various paths of trials and tribulations, since life will go on many discourses just to get me back on track. I am truly honored for the experience of being human, and I grow more within this experience. Just grateful and honored to share my love for the universal flow.