Anorexic Words

What’s my shame 
My confession 
That I constantly wonder
Would sully my name,
But I’m human. 
I know it’s a sickness
The kind that gets 
In your bones
Makes you feel 
Invisible or indivisible 
And you stay up all night
Wondering why the well 
Is always empty 
And the font 
Of eternal youth, pleasure
is always alone.

That’s my shame 
My confession
The fact that I don’t love 
Myself; so much easier
To drown and drown and drown
In the empty shallow 
Of the self, standing hours 
Before the mirror 
Picking picking and picking
At the flaws I have
made law Unto myself.
Wondering if in some mad way
In some bad taste that
I’m not successful, famous
Because no ones seen 
My face enough. 
That my soul 
Doesn’t match my waist
Because I’m not catch 
Twenty goodlooking 
Beautiful- that’s the word
I don’t want to fade.

But it’s one big word
My face, this addiction, 
Three years or more 
Of regret and stupidity 
Self conscious hate
Turning corners and seeking 
Help in retail therapy 
Wondering if it’s too late 
Craving for the moment 
When I’m able to look myself 
In the mirror and know 
That I’m not the sum of a whole 
I’m not the problems
The mistakes the missed chances
I’m merely lying in wait

Then wait 
The voice says 
Mock me the choice says 
It’s a physical fight 
In my head to silence 
The insecurity I thought dead
Im slugging it out 
Every time I see my face
I wish I didn’t look so tired
I wish I didn’t look dead
My eyes carry bags 
As my gaze carries sad
I feel like a clown late 
To the party 
And everyone’s left 
I sit there picking flowers
Waiting with the daisies
Till I am bereft

That’s my shame 
My confession you see
Building up my confidence
Is akin to building up
A palace made of ice 
In threes; I know 
That clothes don’t make me 
Happy, neither does 
Taking picture after picture 
Of my face just to chase
The image of what I want 
In my head, instead, 
But don’t get me wrong 
I’m not being indulgent 
Though I beg your indulgence 
Because I can’t see

What’s my shame, 
My confession? 
I’m kind to everyone else
Except Me.