Three Books To Understand People’s Mindset
From “how can you be like that….” to “she is not rude, she just has a fixed mindset”.
I regretfully remember my thoughts and words about the people around me: how can they be so rude, aggressive, stupid, incomprehensible, illiterate and so on and so forth. And, of course, such statements didn't make me smarter. Moreover, this misunderstanding always led to conflict.
I set out on a search of information on how to react to people who drive my nuts. I was looking for advice on how to stay calm and not use my emotions to avoid an argument. Hopefully, I came across some valuable books.
The following books taught me understand the reason for people’s actions, some types of reactions and behaviour. Consequently, I substituted the judgemental way of thinking with analysing people according to the books’ methods: from “how can you be like that …..” to “she is not rude, she just has a fixed mindset”. Let’s get cracking!
- Nonviolent Comunication. A Language of Life. Marshall B. Rosenberg.
“For those of you wishing to apply NVC, especially in challenging situations of anger, I would suggest the following exercise. As we have seen, our anger comes from judgments, labels, and thoughts of blame, of what people “should” do and what they “deserve.” List the judgments that float most frequently in your head by using the cue, “I don’t like people who are … “ Collect all such negative judgments in your head and then ask yourself, “When I make that judgment of a person, what am I needing and not getting?” In this way, you train yourself to frame your thinking in terms of unmet needs rather than in terms of judgments of other people.”
It’s ok if a person has a different worldview and doesn’t share your needs, just don’t waste time trying to prove or justify your point of view. A powerful and relevant manual for all time! Memorize the four-step instruction (Observations, Feelings, Needs, Requests) and use it at the very beginning of any conversation. It works both directions: when you need to calm down for fruitful discussion and when your opponent (son, boss, client, stranger) behaves abnormally.
2. Mindset. Changing the way you think to fulfil your potential. Dr Carol S. Dweck.
Okay, now imagine you’ve decided to learn a new language and you’ve signed up for a class. A few sessions into the course, the instructor calls you to the front of the room and starts throwing questions at you one after another.
Put yourself in a fixed mindset. Your ability is on the line. Can you feel everyone’s eyes on you? Can you see the instructor’s face evaluating you? Feel the tension, feel your ego bristle and waver. What else are you thinking and feeling?
Now put yourself in a growth mindset. You’re a novice — that’s why you’re here. You’re here to learn. The teacher is a resource for learning. Feel the tension leave you; feel your mind open up.
The message is: You can change your mindset.
Exactly! The author hit the nail on the head! We can improve and develop our skills, enhance our personal features, but we cannot impose our opinion on others. From my perspective, we can only determine their mindset and decide to communicate with this person or that level is not really our cup of tea.
3. Emotional Intelligence. Danial Goleman.
People with well-developed emotional skills are also more likely to be content and effective in their lives, mastering the habits of mind that foster their own productivity; people who cannot marshal some control over their emotional life fight inner battles that sabotage their ability for focused work and clear thought.
This book helps you understand why your boyfriend isn’t as excited by romantic situation as you are, or your coworker doesn’t share your happy mood, and why it is ok. I’ve found the answer to why a smart and developed person fails. Haven’t you noticed such people in you circle? Basically, Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is a ubiquitous phrase nowadays.
Thus, I can recognize people who are poor in managing of emotions and I prefer to leave them with their own struggling rather than stoop to their level. I just say to myself: this person doesn't respond to my needs.
Needless to say, to comprehend people’s worldview is one of many aspects that I’ve gained from mentioned books. The material changes your paradigm, your environment and helps to understand and solve in simply way various cases of our life without disagreement. I hope my brief description has revealed relevant topics in our society and you will open these books soon.
Last but not the least, don’t behave in your natural manner — as you are used to — but learn principles. I wish all parents and teachers acted according to professional recommendations, but not emotions. Knowledge gives us an understanding of how the world works, and thanks to this we can live in harmony.
