The lack of R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Zeena Starbuck
Sep 1, 2018 · 6 min read

Three hours into Aretha Franklin’s funeral, the 25 year old singer Ariana Grande performed a cover of Franklin’s song ‘Natural Woman’ as part of the 9 hour service dedicated to Franklin’s life. As she exited the stage, Bishop Charles H. Ellis II grabbed her and brought her onto the pulpit with him. Gripping the side of her right breast and holding her in place, he made an insensitive joke about her name. Grande laughed and tried to move away, but he continued to grip the side of her breast, digging his fingers in during the interaction. After the joke, still holding her in place, Ellis said “girl, let me give you all your respect”.

The irony was not lost on me. While celebrating a woman who demanded respect, Bishop Ellis sexually harassed Ariana Grande.

This interaction is one far too familiar to too many women — you are in a public place, occupying a space men have long tried to dominate and outcast you from, when a man in a position of power inappropriately touches you or comments about you. Perhaps there is an uncomfortably long hug, a hand too far down your back or close to your breasts, or an overly strong arm holding you in place. You have been conditioned ‘not to make a scene’ and draw more attention to yourself in fear of being reprimanded for being egotistical or overly dramatic, so you hold your breath and try to get away discretely.

Bishop Ellis was in a position of power and, consciously or not, used this power to grope a woman and impose dominance over her. Grande, the youngest guest performer at the service, was touched without consent and restrained by the man responsible for hosting the funeral. Had she said anything in the moment, netizens would undoubtably reprimand her for disrespecting Franklin and making the funeral about herself.

Bishop Ellis was in a position of power and, consciously or not, used this power to grope a woman and impose dominance over her.

Many people who watched the funeral and saw this encounter were left disturbed, taking to twitter to vent their frustrations. Elizabeth Flores tweeted “There is no limit to the aggression and lack of respect that women are still victims of”, while Rachel criticized those commenting on Grande’s outfit, tweeting “it’s awful how women can literally be groped on television and people will still do everything they can to blame her”. #RespectAriana trended as the tweets piled up reprimanding Ellis for his racially insensitive ‘taco bell’ joke and how he groped Grande. The sheer amass of criticism against Ellis led him to issue a half-hearted exclusive apology: “the last thing I want to do is be a distraction to this day. This is all about Aretha Franklin”. He seemed to plead partial insanity and bodily unawareness, saying “I don’t know I guess I put my arm around her […] maybe I was too friendly or familiar but again, I apologize […] I hug all the female artists and the male artists. Everybody that was up, I shook their hands and hugged them.”

Ellis’ indication that he hugged all the male and female artists similarly to how he ‘embraced’ Grande left me curious. The issue people had with how he interacted with Grande wasn’t the hug or that he touched her in any way, but how he held her in place and groped her while doing so. Had be been like this with the other artists too? Watching the funeral back, specifically his interactions with other speakers and singers on the stage, it is painfully evident he did not interact with everyone as he did with Grande.

When his wife Crisette Michelle Ellis spoke, he hugged her and placed his hand on her back.

When thanking Smokey Robinson for his performance, he stood next to him on the pulpit and exchanged another brief hug.

When Rev. Jesse Jackson finished his speech, Ellis simply offered a hand to help him down from the pulpit, nothing more.

Ellis did not “hug all the female and male artists” publicly as he did with Grande. Faith Hill, who preformed before Grande, was not even hugged or brought up to the pulpit for a post-performance comedy routine thanking. Nor was Chaka Khan. There was no parallel: he groped Grande, prevented her from moving, and dug his fingers into her breast. This is, undoubtably, sexual harassment.*

Perhaps Ellis is not conscious of how he acted with Grande and how inappropriate it is. However, this just further shows how men are conditioned to feel entitled to control over women’s bodies, especially women who are in some way ‘less powerful’ than them. Grande is 25, a relative newcomer to the music scene compared to other women at Franklin’s funeral and of course, compared to Franklin herself. Ellis, aged 60 or so, has been a bishop for decades. Besides his religious and time-based seniority, he was hosting the funeral while Grande was a guest. Bishop was in a position of power, and he abused that power to physically impose authority over Grande’s movements and right to her own body for his own personal satisfaction whether he was couscous of it or not.

It is the patriarchal society, after all, that teaches men they can get away with these things and tries telling women to bite their tongue

Defenders of Ellis and critics of his critics may argue that Grande could have easily stepped away or informed him to let go, but such commentary is painfully blind to the conditioning women have to be silent and the fact that men take advantage of this. During Taylor Swift’s trial against David Mueller, who groped her in June 2013, she had to argue against accusations that Mueller was resting his hand or her ribs or just moving his hand down: “We were in position to take a photo. It’s very simple: You just stand there, and you take a photo. This wasn’t an action shot.” Mueller took advantage of the situation, knowing Swift had to be still and pose, and thus felt entitled to touch her body how he liked since the camera would only show a certain angle. It is the patriarchal society, after all, that teaches men they can get away with these things and tries telling women to bite their tongue, which explains why Mueller was so shocked he was held accountable for his actions and tried to sue Swift.

Ellis’ treatment of Grande is just another example of how men, consciously or unconsciously, feel inherently entitled to control and ownership of women’s bodies. His apology tried to detract from this in the name of Aretha Franklin’s memory, and in the name of the church: “That’s what we are all about in the church. We are all about love.” Reading this I was immediately reminded of Donald Trump’s own comments defending himself against the Access Hollywood tape and sexual harassment/assult allegations: “There’s nobody that has more respect for women than I do.”

If you love and respect women so much, listen to them and change your behavior accordingly. Take undefensive responsibility for your actions and address why you treat women in such a way. Don’t quote Aretha Franklin’s mantra on respect while groping a woman, actually take in the words she sang: “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me”. Talk to women about what respect and love is, do not create your own male-dominated narrative and use it to belittle or defend your sexist actions.

Zeena Starbuck

*Since I can already hear the anti-feminist cries that men can’t touch women without facing charge of sexual harassment in the background, I encourage those to watch The Mash Report’s coverage of “How NOT to sexually harass someone”. Rachel Parris makes it humorously and explicitly clear: “sometimes a simple greeting like a hug can be harassment if one of the participants is obviously using it for their own weird gratification.”


Originally published at zeenastarbuck.wordpress.com on September 1, 2018.

Zeena Starbuck

Written by

Freelance writer, critical thinker, destinationless wanderer, avid feminist. Former resident of London, Seoul, and Hangzhou, currently based in NYC.

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