My Cloud

Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating under an invisible cloud. That’s as best as I can describe it.

A cloud that only I can see, but barely. It feels like a wall goes up in my chest and it prevents air from getting through.

Short, shallow breathes. That’s all I get. My throat starts drying up, like it’s never come into contact with water. The bottle is half empty, in my sweaty palm.

It’s the second day. I wait infront of the classroom door, in a building I’ve never been in before. A student asks me if it’s 70A , without meaning to I come off mean, ‘No. It’s 70B.’ ‘Sorry’ he replies, and then ‘oh, yeah, 70B’ and he nervously laughs.

My heart is still pounding, I focus on slowing my breathing. Then the instructor shows up from the hallway I just entered through, two minutes late. I don’t think about my embarrassing moments because I’ve got enough on my mind.

He opens the door, we walk through. I sit in the first round table. Breathing becomes harder and if possible, my throat even more dry. I try focusing on what he’s saying, but for some reason I become more afraid. ‘Presentations…Hands on work…You’ll become close to everyone in here’ I get a little teary eyed, and my hands tremble. I don’t get why this happened. I do presentations, I worked out with a bigger class just last semester.

Why? Anxiety? Is this what this is? Is it fearing something that isn’t THERE , being TERRIFIED?? It feels like those dreams, the ones where you can’t move your legs to run away from the monster. You’re paralyzed. I’m silently paralyzed.

It makes much more sense in the dreams.

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