Made Up Movie vol. 1

While listening to my film buff writing partner bitch about the lack of new and creative movies I made the cardinal mistake of calling him out.

“So lets come up with some movies.” said I.

Then we did. And we kept doing it. And we’re still doing it.

Now its a game we play. We call it Made Up Movie. The rules are simple — first player comes up with a title, second player invents the plot (and the cast if we’re feeling really ambitious).

Here’s the first few.

Dealing From The Bottom of the Deck

Everyone says Alice Eve (Gloria) and Chris Pine (Charlie) got married too soon. The gods seem to agree as the tropical resort they’re spending their honeymoon on is besieged by storms. They’ve lost all day at the tables when they are approached by Benedict Cumberbatch (Edward) to help knock over the casino. A daring heist is the result of their chance meeting — but was it so chance after all? Gloria and Edward start to feel sparks while Charlie develops doubts over the whole thing. A tense heist movie with lots of character revealing moments — ending in Gloria being set up to take the fall and Pine and Cumberbatch being revealed to be a couple who have pulled this con before.

Closing sequence: Charlie and Edward standing next to each other, arms around each other’s waists staring at the sunset while the audio of Gloria’s interrogation plays over them. Saying how neither one of their identities existed, how her family fortune has been emptied.

Cut to Gloria’s interrogation as she moves her hands from her lap to the table — no handcuffs. “Lucky it never existed either” she says while smiling and looking at the dossier of Edward and Charlie.

“Ya did good work, detective” the captain says to her as the scene cuts back to a dozen armed men surrounding Edward and Charlie.

Cut back to her face. “Who’s next?”

The House Made Out of Straw

In the spirit of Wicked comes the true and until now untold story of the Big Bad Wolf.

Who can say whats right and whats wrong when love strikes? When a lonely old woman — a mother of famous wolf hunters — discovers her passion for furries and falls for a wolf only their families can stand in their way. What begins as an attempt to scare off a judgmental granddaughter turns to a dark and twisted tale of cross-dressing, inter-species erotica, murder and mayhem. With a third act that goes on way past comfortable (like into the woods) and lots of old lady side boob the thriller of the season will have your eyes big too.

Opening montage of Grandmother’s life a la Up — husband dies while hunting wolves. Raises her son alone to hate and hunt wolves too, he grows up and leaves her, barely raising his own family who grow up angry and hate filled. Grandmother falls in the woods and The Wolf saves her. She falls for her caregiver and spends years hiding their love. Old lady furry sex scene will get nominated for best make up. Domestic abuse in the home of The Hunter, Red is actually running away from her violent home, seeking asylum with a grandmother she barely knows about.

Second act The Wolf tries to scare off Red after he stumbles across her heading to his love’s home. He knows about her family and fears they’ll pull them apart. He comes back and gets grandmother drunk and stashes her in the attic. He tries to send the girl away but she sees through his ruse and runs for her father. The hunter kills The Wolf as Grandmother screams. The Hunter carries her off to his cottage as she weeps and idly punches at him.

Third act the grandmother is kept in her son’s home against her will, eventually killing her daughter in law in an escape attempt. The hunter kills her in a rage and then himself in despair. Red finds them all and burns their straw-lined home to the ground. The story ends with her telling her baby the tale of how the Big Bad Wolf killed her family and how all wolves are evil.

Oh, and they aren’t humans. They’re all pig people.

Jennifer Lawrence as The Grandmother

Ed Norton as Grandfather

Dave Bautista as The Hunter

Ariana Grande as Little Red

Christian Bale as The Wolf

The Last Voyage

The year is 1959. After 35 years on the seas, the SS [Fill In Boat Name] is finally going to be decommissioned, or whatever the civilian equivalent of that is. To celebrate its last voyage, the boat is welcoming back only people who sailed on the boat previously. As the people embark on this cruise, they remember the times they had when they were much younger people — are these memories or mirrors to the past? The recent widower remembering the time in 1929 when he took his wife on their honeymoon right before the market crashed, when the world looked like it was everyone’s for the taking. The Jew who took his first ride on the boat after being rescued from a Concentration Camp. The children living out their parents’ dying wish by using the tickets that were bequeathed to them following their death. And the captain who spent his entire career on the boat, from being a coal shoveling guy to being the captain. It’s a testament to the first half of the 20th century, and a tale about whether it’s better to hold onto the past or let it go. It ends with the ship sailing off to the horizon.

Starring basically everyone in those Best Exotic Marigold Hotel movies.

Craft Work

Esmeralda Wentworks runs the minimum security work release program for Azkaban magical prison. She believes that criminals can be brought back and made whole again — dementors or not.
 Then she meets Jeremy. A muggle born warlock who was convicted of killing his family at 11. Now a teenager, Jeremy’s sullen and resentful nature goes beyond that of a standard inmates shell.
 In the feel good movie of the year Esmy befriends Jeremy and gives him what he never knew he needed. A friend.

Turns out his parents were trying to drown him because they were crazy christian and he didn't mean to kill them and thinks hes evil because of his upbringing.

A stunning performance by Sigourney Weaver as Esmy
Chandler Riggs as Jeremy

Strawman

Every year in the village of Cornwall the corn harvesting festival signals the end of the agricultural year. They bind and stack the discarded stalks in a giant statue of a man, then burn it at the close of the festival. Its the highlight of the year. Its when romances begin and when men propose. Its a celebration of life and fertility. But all life is fed by death.

An outsider (Richard Ayoade) is sent to write an article on the Strawman festival for Buzzfeed. During his investigation he notices a trend of disappearances. The village thrives because they sacrifice a child each year — burned within the straw man. The over his head reporter now has to gather as much evidence as he can before the deadly cultists discover him.

Kinda like that sub plot from American Gods.

Richard Ayoade as Phillip

Billie Piper as Jayne

Maggie Smith as Mayor Gwen Hershal