Election Fallout; Also, Fuck Harambe


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Welcome to Zero Laugh Track where the points don’t matter and neither does the popular vote.

Well we’re here. This is it. All good books about recent history ended last Tuesday. This is the alternate timeline we were all so worried about. It turns out that someone killed a butterfly across the world and now we have President Elect Donald J. Trump. Both cashiers at Wal-Mart cheered in unison once he won. This has been the episode of Law and Order: SVU in which the rapist gets away with it and America is the mom in tears.

Along with him comes curiosity, concern, disgust and a bit of civil unrest with a side of “we’ll probably get a lot of quality comedy and punk rock for the next 4 years”. I would’ve been okay sacrificing both of those, personally.

The clip in the open was from the Dave Chappelle episode of SNL in which he basically killed every sketch and reminded us why the Chappelle show was one of the greatest to ever grace our screens. He gave a solid monologue as well that acted a bit of catharsis in a time where everyone is scrambling to figure out on Facebook why they can suddenly see that at least half of the country is still pretty fucked up. People are asking important questions about media bias, the normalizing of racism and wondering whether or not Trump will get his Twitter account back.

But Trump has been elected but don’t worry, a new Macbook Pro is out, so you can give all your money to Apple and feel some sense of purpose for about 10 minutes or you can buy some new nice clothes and some smell-goods and pretend that everything will be okay. Women have it a bit easier in the smell-goods department. For men the options are just body odor or desperate teenager, which will likely be one of attitudes we’ll get out of a Trump presidency.

Not to worry, kids. Stress, emotional turmoil and nuclear warfare make for great comedy. Going from Obama to Trump will at least be an easy way for me to explain to people what bipolar disorder is like.

Half the country is really happy about it, which happens every election cycle but they shouldn’t be too surprised. We saw a guy with no government experience win because we turned it into a reality show. That’s something he has experience in. The other half of the country is genuinely shocked and appalled that this was even possible considering the shear magnitude of his ignorance. It’s likely that ignorant behavior was pandering to a large group of people who don’t seem to like being pandered to but when you don’t realize it’s pandering than I guess it’s called rallying? His first plan of action is to deport Dora the Explorer and the bottom half of Jennifer Lopez, which is something a lot of people can get behind.

It’s difficult to make sense of much without assuming. It seems a large swath of the country has ignored reality for years, which is great because I could use some advice on how to do that for the next 4 years.

I do give Trump credit for being smarter than we think, smarter than his voters even think and quite adept at manipulation. He duped us. He won and I don’t even think he knows what he’s getting into. There’s no way of proving that without a deeper psychological evaluation that would come off as a conspiracy theory that no one would believe. Perhaps if we throw in some intrigue about a carpenter, some camels, a god and a virgin birth they can make more sense of it. All we can do now is hope that he succeeds at not tearing the whole thing down like a drunk dad on Christmas.

He’s already met with Obama in which he looked a little spooked, like Obama was able to get to him a little bit. Like he just walked in and slammed down a giant book on the table called “How to be a President” and just stared at him for twenty minutes. “Read it” he would say. Trump has always seemed a bit of a faux alpha male type, so maybe meeting Obama and having a civil discussion has set him straight. Or perhaps it’s the notion that he has to fulfill the dreams of republicans across the country and try to control himself after a campaign where he succeeded as a result of “not holding back”. It’s kinda like sleeping your way to the top then when you’re there you suddenly realize you don’t know how to do the job.

So far it’s said that he’s going to keep some elements of Obamacare, so hopefully some sense of compromise will occur. Hey, maybe this guy isn’t so bad after all!

Hold on, I’m just getting word that….Steve Bannon…breitbart news guy is Trump’s Chief Strategist? Alright, I’m back on the “fuck everything” train.

Trump himself isn’t an evil guy. He’s more of an accidental villain who trips over things and fuels race wars. I’m more worried about the people surrounding him. Mike Pence, who still looks like an Android who doesn’t want to be human, wants to shock gay people into being straight because Jesus said so. Not to mention he’s bringing his super friends along for the ride with the likes of Rudi Guliani, Ben Carson and even Sarah Palin possibly taking up battle stations on the white bible warship of America.

America is about to be run by the show-runners of those late night history channels shows about ancient aliens and vampire nazis.

Ben Carson may be the head of education, where every school book will start with Adam telling Eve to shut up and sit down. Followed by Rudi Guliani’s “Stop and Frisk Nation” a touching tale of touching people who “look suspicious.” Chris Christie isn’t even worth making a joke about.

Despite that there were good people elected that night including some diverse female firsts into the senate and other areas of government who will likely make sure that Trump doesn’t go off the rails. Hopefully they’re above a 6 or he won’t take them seriously.

Not to mention Bernie Sanders is still around to be a gnat in the Republican soup. Who knows, Trump himself will probably shape up because he kinda has to. He can’t go around spouting conspiracy theories or sharing government secrets without having the FBI bugging his hair and dragging him through the mud on the White House lawn.

It’s difficult for a lot of people to look at the craziness of it all and assume everything will burn down. There will be problems but there are still people fighting to keep things from completely skewing dramatically in one direction. Many people assume all republicans are bad or want to make extreme change but “republican” doesn’t equal bad, it just means different. Balance and change can be good, that’s why this country was built upon shuffling the deck every so often. If anything, in this case, it can provide further clarity on what we don’t want our country to be.

With so much social progress in the last 8 years, there is major legitimate concern that everything we’ve fought for has been lost. That the country is being taken over by people who value a way of life defined in a book written by a guy in cave 2000 years ago but can’t have empathy for anyone else who does anything else.

For many, election night was kinda like being excited for fancy leftovers from a lovely date only to open the fridge and find out that someone else has not only eaten your beloved food but the box is still in the fridge with an orange dildo inside. So many were so sure that Hillary was going to win. Polls put her strongly in the lead and his desire to grab pussy without consent seemed to be something that might steer someone away from being elected. Turns out, what the hell do we know. Common decency opened the door and found a bag of dog shit on fire on the front porch of America.

The results came in and there was a whirlwind of denial, grief and all around pain as people came to realize that much of America doesn’t care about what he says about race, religion, gender or sexual orientation. Equality isn’t something they have to worry about. That getting their way was more important than the lives of others because I think many people knew on the “losing” side that lives were, indeed, at stake.

So, he got voted in and now fears are being realized as black people, muslims, gay people and others are being threatened, there are hate signs being posted in public from hate groups, and chants of “build the wall” around Mexican kids in MIDDLE SCHOOLs.

I want to be clear because now trump supporters feel picked on or that people just “whining” about “losing” and further dividing people by being angry or disappointed but you need to know that it was never about the guy but it was about what he represented and his “winning” of the election gave people permission to unleash their hate. Donald has since gone on 60 seconds and said “stop it” to the camera and promptly looked back at the interviewer like he deserved a cookie. I can’t tell my 3-year-old nephew to stop it without retaliation.

While all of this is happening, people are protesting against Donald and the acceptance of casual hate speech on the streets of major cities like LA where it doesn’t really matter because the cars weren’t moving before anyway. All the while our friends on Facebook who got the candidate they wanted tells us to “get over it.”

When you think about it that way…speaking up then getting shut down and being told to get over it, you start to realize that America just got All Lives Matter’d all over again. Only this time young white kids are now like “OMG PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY RACIST”….yeah, they are. Okay, not everyone is racist but overlooking it because you want “jobs” is damn near close.

Shut up and get in line, they essentially say. No, definitely not. Not now, not ever.

Let’s face it. The truth is no lives matter, we’re all gonna die.


Everyone needs to know that there are shit people everywhere, who think many different things and often extreme things. It’s not white vs. black or democrat versus republican. It’s decent people vs. shit people and we don’t need to eliminate people we need to enlighten them. So please, have patience with each other and realize that we’re all on the same team. We need this country to succeed regardless of who is in charge. We need to value people as a priority because people who are cooperating and in good spirits get jobs, create businesses and the country thrives as a result.

I personally try very hard to understand the Trump voter perspective.

People feel like things are so bad for them that they want change or to impose power by picking someone else, no matter who it was. Cookie Monster would’ve had a strong chance against Hillary. His pro chocolate chip policy does well in rural America who ironically prefer dark chocolate.

It didn’t matter that it was Trump. They truly ignored who he was and picked him because they feel their conditions are so bad that the threat of a man who could create nuclear unrest via a tweet storm doesn’t feel like a threat to them. It’s likely their perception of “how bad things are” is vastly skewed as well. The world is changing and some may have a hard time adjusting and blamed “lazy millennials” or Mexicans for taking their jobs in the process. Bernie would’ve united more people on jobs or domestic issues had he won, I don’t doubt that but people screamed “socialism” despite likely not fully understanding what that meant and what he was proposing. You have to consider that Bernie was standing in the face of electing the first female president, so he had the precedent of history riding against him as well.

Hillary wasn’t an easy pill to swallow for so many people and that analogy works well because she’s like a bottle of medicine that you don’t want to take but will make you feel better. Trump is like ignoring it and drinking vodka instead to numb the pain. The vodka that will make you feel worse, will probably make you do stupid things and say what’s on your mind when you shouldn’t. You’ll wake up hungover the next day or realize you’ve made a mistake you have to deal with, but hey you made yourself feel better for a little while and maybe forgot about how sick you are but you slept with some stranger in the process and now have AIDS. Whoops.

Let’s face it, that’s how so many people think. Short term results and resistance what can help because it’s a little uncomfortable. Even since you were a kid you’d rather deal with being sick than to eat that grape syrup your mom is trying to get down your throat. You’d rather watch garbage TV because it makes you feel momentarily better about yourself or smoke cigarettes despite it shortening your lifespan. People like short-term feel-goods and to so many people that’s what Donald Trump is. A chance for them to say “HA! WE WON!” and gloat about it without considering the consequences. Seeing as how most of the vote was from caucasian people, civil fallout or crimes against their skin isn’t something they have to consider. Some would say that’s a privilege.

It’s hard to talk about these things without adding some snark to them. I try not to hold contempt for my Trump voter friends. I genuinely think they know not what they’re doing and have their own concerns they want addressed. I just personally wished it didn’t fly in the face of equality. Another 4 years with a better candidate who wasn’t so openly ignorant or better qualified wouldn’t have been so bad.

Hillary didn’t help herself at all either by trying to shame a man who couldn’t be shamed. Ironically, many felt she was running a negative campaign against a man who has used the phrase “they’re rapists” in reference to Mexicans. She could’ve spoken more about she was going to do to better the country to people who haven’t heard it before.

I think her campaign took for granted the notion that so many believed in her. They couldn’t put themselves in the heads of people who didn’t get it. You can’t change people’s minds by attacking someone they’ve already grown attached to. I’ve heard the argument that her ad with the kids in front of the TV listening to Donald Trump’s statements put those words in front of the kids over and over as if it excuses the fact that this shit came from his mouth, that argument kinda sucks.

There are other people who believed she was going to start wars or did things in the past or she was a liar. I don’t think any of those claims were based on any sense of reality but that’s my perspective. Except for being a liar, which I can accept. Everybody fucking lies about things and in government there is likely a ton of shit that they can’t talk about or shouldn’t talk about because it’ll rile people up unnecessarily.

Her 30 years of experience should’ve made her the easy winner. But a woman with 30 years of experience with a bit of scandal lost the job to a man who has had everything handed to him. He would’ve been fired from Home Depot for his behavior and would never be hired at anywhere paying more than $10/hr with zero experience. Either anyone can truly be president or people don’t value the job as much as it should be.

This is reality though. We’re in it. This is life. Don’t give up on who you are, what you believe in and remember that we’re all on the same team. Now that the hate is out in the open we can find ways to deal with it. Maybe we’ll get some rad art, some good comedy or punk rock out of the deal. Maybe good things will happen. It’s not likely but hey, for the sake of hope I have to say that.

Facebook and Google say they’ll be cracking down on “Fake news.” Facebook apparently already had something in place to mitigate the spreading of fake news but they did nothing about it which is kinda like a boyfriend showing up two days after an anniversary and saying he thought about buying you flowers. I guess it’s the thought that counts.

No matter how you swing it, I don’t think many of us are going to forget the next four years anytime soon.

So far, 2016 is like what I imagine Olive Garden without breadsticks is like. Like a bad horror movie that’s spending all of its time setting up 4 useless sequels. Let’s hope something about the next four years is better.

Forgive each other, except for those people that voted for Harambe, fuck you.

That joke isn’t funny anymore.