Clueless with a dream
An open letter from my heart
I don’t know how to start. Words and thoughts get in the way. Memories and feelings, they all get stuck at once and it’s a lot to process. Hard is hard no matter what and that has been my path all along. My choices define me, how I grow over time and it means that we make mistakes and learn. For sure I did few of them and others were disasters. This is who I’m and I tend to screw up things I want the most. It gave me the hardest lessons of life. I always thought that I’m not vulnerable or weak but there’s always a weakness some where. It depends on how we see that.
Is love a weakness, a point of strength or it maybe depends on our current state of love. Fear and security makes us take actions and decisions. You know me, I’m a badass who keeps trying. Otherwise I won’t improve or change. I’ve passion to become better. Better as a designer, better as a person, better in every possible corner. I’m stubborn and I know it but stubbornness has two faces, a face that builds and a face that destroys. We as people jump between them sometimes but I gotta pick a side and stick with it. I’m a builder, I’m a designer and I build stuff. Do I build the same building over and over again in the same way? Or I find a way to make it better each time I do it. It’s like each project is a new person that I’m dealing with and sometimes I fall in love with one of them. Still they are projects after all not people. See the funny thing is, projects don’t change but people do. They become better, more mature and wiser and it depends on which side of the road you are gonna stick with!
I’m trying to keep us from things that make us sad and look at the bright side of the picture. Life isn’t pink and rainbows anymore. It’s a journey with good times and storms but I have to believe that at some point we become better with storms. More prepared and much smarter. We dig in deeper in life and laugh at our history and say “What an idiot I was”
The thing is, you moved something inside me. You opened a path that I’ve never experienced and it revealed who I’m deep down. It showed me what I’m capable of. You did that to me and that kinda of thing doesn’t just pass or happen without a reason. We happened for a reason. I believe the reason is to build. Can’t deny it, you are special in a strange way. I don’t know what is it about you that makes me insane and pushes my limits beyond my imagination. You always said I’ve a weird imagination. I keep trying to fill that special place over and over but it never worked. I tried everything. It only fits one special person.
I’m not trying to ask you back here. I want you to truly forgive me. Can you forget for a second that it’s you and me, zoom out and have a look from far away. What kind of a person have you became? What I became? Would you like you from a distance? Would I like me? What if we switched places? Would you be happy if you see me doing that to you and calling off all of your moves. It’s all questionable and probably we both know the same exact answers but have we both learned? or we are just pretending and we actually didn’t. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s right or wrong but I like risks. I live in risks everyday around me but I believe that I’ve a dream. Fear makes me work harder and knock down all the doors. Work my ass off to make it happen, so would you be generous and do that for me? Otherwise I’m lost, clueless, dreamless and empty.