Somewhere in the Middle:
Finding Balance Between the Ego & Soul
‘Somewhere in the Middle’ was written as I traced my journey from a fragile mental state of unhealthy physical and emotional patterns, to a stable, balanced position of inner peace rooted in self-love. Each song represents a particular reflection of how I felt during each step of this journey, the curiosity that came with looking inward and the uncertainty of what came next. I hope this personal journal can inspire you (the reader) to explore the depths of your own psyche, and to feel comfortable to ask for help whenever needed in the process.
In each of the five tracks, I set out to create sonic pockets of deeper meaning by returning to my roots in acoustic instrumentation; letting the lyrics flow from the abstract contemplative process I felt in those moments. Whenever the soul-searching developments became too obscure to explain in words, I was able to translate these feelings through sonic representations.
Over the past year, I’ve been trying to formulate my personal meaning for the words ‘ego’ and ‘soul’, and for me, it comes down to the following. My interpretation of ego is a mental construct built from thoughts and perceptions that I subconsciously use to review all impulses and opportunities. My ‘ego’ can protect me and shield me in situations where I sense a rational fear, however, it can also be overprotective at times when it’s reviewing process is influenced by a prior negative emotional experience, an irrational fear, or a negative self-image built up over time. As for my definition of ‘soul’, however unfathomable it sometimes still is, I consider it to be my sense of intention, emotions and intuition. I also like to view the divide between my ego and soul as two unique entities based on the nature of their existence. In layman’s terms, my mind or the physical interpretation of my surroundings, hosts my rationale and thoughts, whilst my heart houses my sensations and emotional responses to the world.
When I was walking the first steps in my mental health journey, one of the first things I noticed was that the collaboration between my soul and ego had become unbalanced. While I had a deep desire to open up, discuss how I felt or even show those I loved more affection, the exploration of my soul was often hampered by this lingering idea that I would be judged, misunderstood and disliked. While my ego often provided me a sense of self-esteem and protection, it also buried my soul under a lot of stress, fears, and doubts. It felt as if I had constructed a brick wall of ego-based reasons not to show my emotions over the years. For a lot of activities I would undertake in my life, such as having open conversations with people about feelings, or making music, there would be a bunch of fears and doubts controlling the process; not leaving any room for positive sensations or emotions. The only sensation that grew over the years was that of a major cognitive dissonance taking place. Deep down I felt like I wanted to open up, stand up for myself, talk about my feelings and to be proud of my work as an artist. Unfortunately, I only found myself doing the exact opposite. This became a pretty destructive cycle over the years, leading to stress, daily panic attacks and an overall unhealthy lifestyle.
Prior to being able to review and see my ego more clearly or even start thinking about opening up to my soul more, it felt like my life was a blur, filled with moments and actions that didn’t feel like they carried any significance. It felt like going full speed, on auto-pilot for a long time, and the sense that something needed to change stopped me in my tracks. ’Dive’ is my metaphorical way of describing the first moment in which I felt like I could perceive the strange cognitive dissonance that was present in my life from a distance; taking a step back and beginning to see an entry point to start working on myself. The tiny glimmer of light coming from somewhere deep down in my being gave me hope and made me want to explore the depths of everything that I had been pushing down. ‘Dive’ was born from the sentiment of diving into the water, a metaphor for the depths of my own psyche. The journey had begun.
The anticipation that came with not knowing what to expect, thinking I would hit the water but noticing it smoothly passing by me made me feel hopeful. Writing all of these songs felt like a journey; From diving into the unknown, into experiencing how warm and comforting it felt for me to work on my emotional health, to having the feeling of self development and resurfacing with all kinds of new insights, love and self care.
Being able to observe my thoughts and feelings from a holistic perspective allowed me to foster a sense of compassion towards my often-egotistical approaches, better understanding myself in the process. As I began to solve and overcome a complex puzzle of fears and ego-influenced life choices, I saw a lot of my worries beginning to simply fall into place and become much less draining; as a result, the song ‘Alright’ was born. Describing the process of standing face to face with the fears and doubts constructed by my ego, and lovingly telling them it’s okay, it’s alright. When I look back at the lyrics now, I understand what didn’t feel so clear to me at the time. I realized that I had been describing myself from both the fearful, as well as the comforting perspective in those lyrics, line for line.
I experienced real change when I was able to find middle ground between these two aspects of my entity. Self-judgement and pressure gave way to love and self-care as I was able to connect with those around me on a level that I previously never thought possible. ‘To Care Less’ is both a love song for my partner who has stuck by my side during this whole process of self discovery, as well as an ode to the growth of my soul in this process. Feeling the guards of my ego construct drop down bit by bit, allowing for more of my soul to shine through, left me with a sense of accomplishment.
‘Avenue’ is a song about reinstating my personal soul/ego balance and finding peace and a sense of tranquility because of it. Rooted in a positive state of mind, my ’Avenue’ is a safe haven that keeps me grounded. It’s a comforting space that may not be directly visible but always exists in the foundations of my being. It’s somewhat of a pact I have with myself, a reminder that if my thoughts ever start to race, I can always return to a calm state in due course. Even when overthinking can still get in the way of this feeling, now that I know where I want to go, I will always find a way back to this state of oneness.
The ego construct that I had built around my soul, like a protective barrier, also prevented me from getting in touch with my deepest emotional fears. When I achieved this renewed state of oneness and balance between my soul and ego, it made me feel more vulnerable; like a lot of the suppressive thought patterns had been removed and my emotions became more accessible.
Up until now, I had distracted myself from the fear of losing loved ones by being emotionally unavailable and burying myself in endless hours of work. ‘Closeby’ was born through a process of confronting these fears head on, opening myself up to the potential pain that may come.
I know I’ll always feel connected to the people I love, even when they’re gone; it’s this realisation that inspired the lyrics of ‘Closeby’ — a journey from the fear of loss, to acceptance of the underlying reason behind the fear; Love.
This is a journey without a clear ending. It feels like my soul nor ego will ever exist in a static space, rather, always developing and evolving. There are still days where I find it challenging to let my ego function in balance with my soul, but taking this time to dive deeper and reflect on what my soul wants, has put things into a different perspective. Somewhere in the Middle is where I feel I am now. I find comfort in knowing there is always room to dive into something new and to continue growing. I’ll never have all the answers, but that uncertainty is alright. I don’t know what exists around the corner but this newfound feeling of balance brings me peace and I hope this project can do the same for you.
- Zes
