Why I Chose an Arranged Marriage at 20
I got married when I was 20 to a family friend who I had only courted with for 6 months until the nikkah ceremony.
Many has wondered why I did what I did and my thinking behind the decision, so let me explain my perspectives and why it has worked so far for me.
Arranged Marriage to Me
First, let me clarify what arranged marriage is to me. This practice is still pretty common in Middle Eastern, South Asian, Southeast Asian, and even East Asian countries. It is where two people are arranged by a third party — be it a company, family, or friends — to meet and see if there is potential for a relationship that would lead to marriage. Importantly, arranged marriages generally occur with everyone’s consent, without forcing anyone to do something they are uncomfortable with.
To me, arranged marriage is different to forced marriage. In my community, I get to decide when I want to marry and who I wish to marry. From the many candidates my parents offered, I had a choice to say no, and I did, plenty of times, and that would be the end of story. To me, it’s a lot like Tinder, except in this scenario it is an extremely vetted Tinder customized to my personal interest. My mother knows what I want, and she goes searching for them. If I like, I swipe right and begin the courtship process. If I don’t, I swipe left.
So, no, it’s not forced marriage, I absolutely have the freedom to find my own suitor — except I didn’t, which I will elaborate further in this post.
Context: Why I Wanted to Marry Young
Before I explain why I decided to go ahead with an arranged marriage, I’d like to give you some context on where I was at that point in time. I was around eighteen or nineteen years old when I decided to tell my friends and family that I was ready to be married.
Three reasons made me feel ready for marriage. First, I had gone through a rapid adulting process because I was living in Japan on my own since I was seventeen for university. This made me feel ready in terms of managing my time, productivity, and sorting out my priorities. Secondly, I was already mostly financially independent and had sources of income. Third, I needed the support system who would allow me the time and space to give back to society in the way I want to. Prior to Japan, this support system was my family. After Japan, I was alone, and I needed a partner who I can navigate life with, so I went out searching for one.
Now, why arranged marriage?
Reason 1: Open and Honest Process
In my case, arranged marriage was done in a very respectful manner where every opinion was considered seriously, and everyone genuinely wanted the best for everyone involved.
My parents always talked to me very candidly and honestly about potential suitors. I also shared my opinions and feelings about who I was comfortable with. If I was not comfortable with a person, my parents would immediately call it off. If I was interested in someone, they would proceed in ways that would not hurt anyone. This system built a lot of trust within my family, so I knew it would be done with my best interest in mind.
Reason 2: Straightforward Process
In my case, arranged marriage is generally done when two parents believe their children could be potential suitors for one another — almost like Bridgerton. Before introducing the children, parents trade CVs of their children. This CV is a lot like a work CV (or your regular dating app profile) but includes additional information like future life plans, child-raising philosophies, and even personal interests like favourite Netflix movies.
After reading the CV, if both parties approve, they share it with their children. If both children are interested, parents arrange for them to meet to see if there is chemistry. This step is crucial because it allows you to know the person beyond what is written in the CV. If both parties are comfortable and interested, they proceed to get engaged and married (again, like Bridgerton). If not, they call it off without hard feelings because you can’t force connection that doesn’t exist.
For example, in my personal experience, my husband was not ready initially to marry in 2020 because he had just graduated. Realizing it would not work with my timeline, I wished him luck. Clearly, he felt enough connection with me that he didn’t like the idea of us ending our courtship and decided he’d marry me regardless, but there would have not been any hard feelings if he had walked away at the time.
Reason 3: Expansive Process
So why couldn’t I find someone myself? Why did it have to be arranged by my parents?
For context, I was living in Japan on my own, and there weren’t many practicing Muslims around me. Even if there were potential suitors, most were there to study and not ready to commit to a long-term relationship.
By the time I was ready to be married, I was still 18 or 19, so my friends, many of whom are the same age as I was, were not ready to commit to a long-term relationship. So I knew I needed to find someone older who has at least discovered themselves and know what they want in life. Since I didn’t know anyone older, the best solution was to ask my parents, who had an extensive network and social circle. I trusted that they could find someone suitable for me through their connections.
Reason 4: Sacred Process
One of the most frequently asked questions is about love in an arranged marriage. Do you think you can love someone in an arranged marriage? This is a complex question, but by the time I was ready to be married, having a romantic relationship was the last thing on my priority list.
What mattered most to me was that my potential suitor loved God before anything else. When someone is serious about their relationship with God, they are aware that every action is accountable in the face of God. Even if they don’t develop a romantic relationship with you, you know they will treat you with the respect and honor you deserve.
This type of love, where you put God first, is more sacred to me than romantic love that leaves God out of the picture. 4 years later, even though a romantic relationship wasn’t and still isn’t a priority for both my husband and I, we know that we will take care of each other because we made that vow, and I genuinely believe he has been the best of support system I could ask for.
Some Reminders
That said, every relationship is unique, and what worked for me may not work for you. Arrange marriage isn’t a guarantee that you’ll stay with your partner for the rest of your life. Many people who have gone through arranged marriages didn’t stay together for long, while others stayed until the end of their days. The best you can do is try your best every day, and decide whether loving the other person and being in that marriage is still worth it.
I hope this helps those who are in the process of considering or going through an arranged marriage.
