How deep is your love?
I won’t lie to you, I knew from the moment I saw you that I could treat you better than any man ever could. This is the story of how I fell in love with my first true love, my best friend, my now ex. It takes place in the Summer of 2013 and it involves a lot of sex, alcohol, and drugs. I had just ghosted my college gf by running away to another state. By other state I’m talking Hawaii to Florida. I was a pretty shitty person. Obviously still a child at 22.
Now, I never planned on falling in love with my best friend from high school, but when I saw her for the first time, she blew me away. I was at a loss for words. Renee, got super hot. It is what it is. I wanted her way before the drugs and alcohol played a factor. I was of complete sound mind when I felt feelings I had never experienced before, I was drawn to her from day 1. I can truly say that I had never met a girl like her.
So let the games begin, thing is I sucked at communication, so I didn’t tell her the rules, and she only had 1 real boyfriend before me, and that was in high school. I know him by the way. Point is, now that I have established the Introduction, time, place setting, etc. Here’s the Major Dramatic Question, the engine, that’s going to drive this story. Does he get the girl? Well obviously I do, but how Renee falls for me, when she has no idea what the fuck is happening because I didn’t think to communicate and just wanted to play games. Is what’s interesting, at least to me.
What I mean by that is I was playing it cool and not expressing my feelings because I had never liked a girl this much and I’m especially not about to tell her how I feel.
No, no, no, can’t do that. The “dating gods” wouldn’t allow that, everyone has to play it cool and not be honest with their feelings because they’re deathly afraid of rejection.(Sarcasm)
To be honest, I wouldn’t say I ran game on her in terms of strategizing how to make her fall in love with me. It was more of, I’m going to play detective and look for signs, but allow everything to happen organically. Yep, that was the extent of my logic.
Disclaimer before we get into the Rising Action.
This is obviously from my point of view and not hers.
Rising Actions are basically complications that get in the way of answering the major dramatic question. What were those complications you ask? Let’s see, I lived in Broward and she lived in Miami that’s about a 45 min drive. It was summer in Miami, EDM was at its peak. I swear it was a musical renaissance. Which means we were taking ridiculous amounts MDMA. Why pay for $35 drinks, when you can just pop a $10 pill? It was economics of partying.
Pro Tip — Google 5-HTP and it’ll save you 72 hours on recovery time.
But those were just logistic issues. The main complication was she liked another guy and I was sleeping with someone else. So, let’s talk for a moment about how I resolved these complications.
Now, in order to not look desperate like I wanted to see her every single waking second, which was how I actually felt, I signed up for Scratch Academy to learn how to DJ. The studio was in Miami and that was my excuse to go see her after class. I could’ve cared less about being a DJ, I’d happily drive 2 hrs just to see a smile on your beautiful face. Leaving you in the morning or not staying the night, on the drives home I would often cry because I had to be apart from you. This of course, I never told you. Which is the reason why you didn’t know the power you had over me. Each moment away from her, was slicing up my heart, until I saw her again, to stop the pain.
We were both in interesting places mentally, a transitional phase for sure, she was about to graduate and I had just graduated trying to figure out what I wanted to do. So we did what any 22 year old would do. We partied and had the time of our lives because we were young and free. I had saved up quite a bit of money from college selling my motorcycle. All of which went to drugs, alcohol, and experiences with the woman I was in love with. I don’t regret it one bit to be honest.
So, fast forward a month, hint hint this is the Crisis. It’s the point of no return. The stakes are raised and now the Major Dramatic Question must be answered. From our first kiss, which happened on the first night we rekindled our friendship, I knew I wanted her. I took her on a trip to Naples. Now keep in mind, we have kissed, fucked, held hands, and I still didn’t know if she liked me or if we were just hooking up with no strings attached. Even though the signs were obvious, she still never voiced it. Now, I had already started to push this girl I was hooking up with out because it was obvious, I was using her for when I couldn’t be with Renee. The heart wants what the heart wants.
On this trip, it was my big gesture. She just had to come. I mean I asked her to bring a dress as a rule because I know deep down all girls just want to feel pretty. If you know Renee, she’s isn’t the wear a dress out type of girl, more like lets put on shorts and a tank cause it’s hot as fuck in Florida. I wanted her to feel like she was the only girl in the world. I was being as obvious as can be without flat out telling her that I loved her. Same hotel room, king size bed. I took her out to dinner at this place that had awesome chicken parm cause that’s her favorite food, besides pizza. Then went for a walk through this park. This was the moment, I had planned to express how I felt. I turn around and she’s crying. She confessed her feelings about how this is everything she has ever dreamed of, but wished another guy was in my place. I felt like ripping all the skin from off my bones. Here’s the kicker she still has no idea I like her because she’s too blind to see what was right in front of her, but apparently she has great listening skills, too bad I lacked communication.
I tried to explain that she should appreciate the moment, because I’m doing this for her. Things were really never the same, it wasn’t awkward, but I was pissed. Can you blame me? Everything I tried had failed. I couldn’t have been more obvious of my feelings.
Around this time an opportunity arose to move to Los Angeles. I accepted and a date was set. September the 1st. Time passes as I have to fly to LA to find a place and when I get back there’s just under 2 weeks left. She still doesn’t know how I feel and my heart’s in conflict.
I was left with a decision, move and start a life without her, or tell her everything, risk rejection, but the upside would be certainty, certain of how she felt about me.
3 days before my flight, I’m having dinner with my parents, my dad and I get super drunk. In my drunken mess, my feelings come out and I hop in my car and drive down to Miami. I was speeding, swerving, and risking my life to find out the truth. Does she like me?
Typical movie moment, I storm into her house at 4am, wake her up, tell her I love her and that I want to be with her and only her. No one else matters but her. Do you feel the same way about me?
Obviously, I understood she wasn’t super connected to her feelings and she tried multiple times to deflect, but I was adamant. “Renee, I’m moving in 3 days. We spent the last 2 months together basically every single day, I was under the impression that we were dating, but you have feelings for someone else. Question, is he interested in you? Is he driving down, putting in the time and effort to see you? To actively try to make you happy on a daily basis to want to show you the world? I want you to be mine. Do you feel the same way? Yes or No. Because if you say no, I’ll accept it and move on, but I can’t not know how you feel and leave.” That was the climax, the moment when the MDQ gets answered for those not paying attention.
So what happened? She used logic of course. Always thinking things through without emotion. She said she did have feelings for me. But that she wanted to make sure they were real and that we should do long distance to see if we still feel the same way.
After all the rejection, and continued tests of my commitment, I willingly agreed to her terms because I chose to blindly love her. She amazed me everyday we were together, teaching me new things about her and the life she built while we were apart. Every obstacle thrown her way, she continued to thrive. I fell in love with my best friend. Needless to say the long distance only made our bond stronger. Looking back we were both naive, A boy who runs from his relationships, while being unable to communicate his feelings. Meets a girl who has never been in a serious relationship and blind to the obvious. We both willingly played this game called love and got involved in a tragedy. I don’t regret any of it and I would go through the pain all over again. The reason my heart compelled me to share this was to finally put a nail in this chapter of my life. I must look toward the future, while continuing to live in the moment. Should we come back together in the future, I promise we will be completely different people, and if you blow me away again, I swear I won’t make the same mistake twice. I’ll communicate to you exactly how I feel.
So I ask you, reader of the shadows. Now, that you know how deep I loved. How deep is your love?
