Are you passionate about your craft? Do you want to change the world? Do you want to get rich doing it? Well, friend, you’ve come to the right place.
We’re an exciting new startup with a great product, and we have significant investment from some top-tier rich white men. We’re growing fast, and we’re going to change the world for the better.
A little about us: we don’t do “startup hours”. Although naturally we do more than the 40 you’re notionally signing up for. That’s why we pay you so well, after all! The work-life balance is excellent — in fact, you can carry on with living your life at work, because with our free laundry services, massages, pinball, beer on tap and three meals a day, there’s really no reason to go home except to sleep.
We’re looking for passionate people like you. Actually, we require it.
“Passion” comes from the latin “pasi”, which means “to suffer”. If you want to succeed here, you need to suffer. You must be calibrated to work as hard as possible. You have to care about your craft so we know you’ll be honing it in your spare time. You have to care about the product so you’ll evangelise about it. You have to care about your team so you won’t let them down by skipping out early at the 8 hour mark every day. You have to care about the company so you’ll stay even when you’re unhappy.
If you’re new to Silicon Valley, you may find all of the above a little extreme. Rest assured, all of this is in aid of maximising shareholder value. If you last the first year, this means you!
There’s a shortage of talented engineers willing to work under these conditions, but we have refined our hiring process to ensure that you’re a talented engineer and that you would work under these conditions. After the initial phone screen, we’ll send you a coding challenge. This is to test that you weren’t egregiously lying on your resumé, and also to check that you want this job enough that you’ll do at least a token amount of work for free.
Finally, there’s the all-day interview. This is an opportunity for our engineers to get a feel for whether they’d like to work with you. Don’t worry that it’s mostly young white men in this round, that won’t bias whether you’ll establish rapport whatsoever. They’ll be asking you questions that don’t help to establish whether you can do the job in an environment that’s entirely unlike the job. It is vital that you have these baseline skills.
Remember: changing the world, getting rich. Apply today.
Update: Please stop sending me your resumés. This is satire.
