Everything Wrong With American Workers Summarized In The Worst Cover Letter Ever

Whether or not you’re American, and whether or not you are mindful of other people, you have to have a working knowledge of the stereotypes against us. The world…doesn’t hold us in the best regard sometimes. And the author of this particular cover letter represents why.

Backstory: I was working on a side-project that I needed some extra help on. So I went to Upwork and posted a job. For anyone that have used a freelance marketplace as a buyer, freelancer, or both, we all know that it’s hit or miss with both the clients and the freelancer. Sometimes you work with amazing clients and freelancers for a long period of time. But more often than not, you end up with less than ideal clients and freelancers.

The latter has occurred in this instance. A man named Timmy had submitted a bid. His hourly rate was almost $100. But that wasn’t the shocking part. His cover letter/answer to the screening question left my jaw hanging and my eyes bulging out of my sockets.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to read one of the most outrageous, appalling introductions you will ever see. If you want to get on a potential client’s good side, write something completely opposite of the following word vomit:

“Hi there,

You probably realized that for your aims you need to hire an expert marketer, an expert that can turn your traffic into sales; not just a half-assed strategy developed by homeless Pakistani “experts” that gets no results.

I’m currently working with 3 high profile clients on their marketing strategies at very high levels. I’m guessing the people you’ve talked to already don’t seem to know better than you about what to do, even though you’re not a marketer.

Now let me assure you that I actually speak English, I’ve done this before and in the very first 15 minutes of talking with me you’ll get more value than all of the other people combined that you’ve talked to so far.

Anyway, currently I have space for one more client so I can work with 4 clients at the same time, otherwise that wouldn’t be fair, I wouldn’t be able to deliver maximum results/maximum value, so, if you’d like to apply to become a client, just click this link [LINK REMOVED] and book a strategy call and we’ll discover if we’re fit to work together.

If we are, we can continue, and if we’re not, you’ll get a lot of value from the call anyway.

So it’s up to you, you can fill it in and see how it goes.

Kindly, Timmy”

This guy has managed to both fascinate and disgust me with his response to my job. The words he chose embodied all of the negative stereotypes people have about Americans, their work habits, and their overall attitude. Namely these five negative stereotypes:

1) We’re lazy — He copied and pasted the same text on both the cover letter section and as his answer to a screening question asking what the best methods of growing an audience are.

2) We cannot comprehend things — In my attempt to screen out spammers and people that can’t or don’t follow directions, I specified that applicants were to include a certain phrase at the beginning of their cover letter. Since Timmy was too lazy to follow directions and offer a response to the screening question, he fulfills this stereotype of not being able to follow instructions.

3) We’re bigoted — Timmy had no problem insulting an entire country as if it was no big deal. To my Pakistani friends and colleagues, I apologize on behalf of Timmy.

4) We’re ignorant — According to Timmy, I, someone with over five years of experience in advertising and social media and recipient of a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Administration with a concentration in advertising, am not a marketer.

5) We think we’re the best there ever was — It’s one thing to be confident. But there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Timmy is planets away from the line, well situated in a world of arrogance.

Timmy here seems to have channeled aura from a certain presidential candidate. Needless to say, I declined his candidacy. Folks, the next time you have to ask for work, whether it be a job or a freelance gig, PLEASE don’t do what Timmy did.