Five pregnancies, two babies.
Sometimes I wonder whether I would choose to start over, make different life choices and ultimately, tell my younger naive self that one in four pregnancies ends in #miscarriage, that life can be cruel, that some babies are poorly and difficult decisions have to be made, and just because you want a baby, it doesn’t mean it will come.
To say the summer of 2015 has been memorable, is somewhat of an understatement. After nine terrifying months, on the hottest July day ever recorded in the UK, I welcomed my second son into the world. Whilst basking in the surreal happiness weeks later, I reached a different type of day to remember, one we don’t celebrate with cards and cake. Just one of many in fact that link me forever to my past. Other mothers who have experienced #pregnancyloss of any kind will be familiar with the feelings. Anxiety, as the date starts to approach and the sometimes overwhelming sadness when it is reached, as well as the sense of relief when it’s been and gone. We realise then that we are still here, and life has continued much the same as it was before.
I’ve come to know these days and feelings well, having had to say goodbye to three of five babies. For me, each and every year is filled with dates to remind me of my children and not just the two who are with me. Days of pregnancy tests and hope, days filled with baby conversation, days of ultrasounds, tests and the results that change lives forever, days of procedures, operations and of rememberance. Six years in all, full to the brim of days and dates.
Over these years I’ve had plenty of laughs, giggles, cuddles, love and joy. After all, I do have two amazing children to be thankful for, a loving husband, a wonderful family, some special friends, a fantastic counsellor and very much to celebrate. So now my second and final little person has arrived safely, it’s the end of the story, right? A happy ending. A #rainbow after a downpour.
Wrong.
These anniversaries, that come and go every year are part of me. I am who I am because of what I have lost, the experiences I have endured and the strength I have found. A healthy baby is a wonderful, elusive, magical thing, but it isn’t an eraser.
So the story continues. I travel through parenting milestones in parallel to the markers of loss, and no, I wouldn’t do anything differently. I wouldn’t try to warn myself. I wouldn’t take away that naiveity. I am wiser, stronger and in many ways richer than I used to be. I don’t feel resentment towards that young newlywed, with all those years and dreams ahead of her.
In fact, I think she’s amazing. I have such fondness for the younger me who grew, adapted and survived all that was to come. And now, as I embark on a new chapter of my life I can reflect on how I have come to be here, and how lucky I am.
#pregnancyloss #miscarriage #tfmr #everybabymatters #rainbow #thisismytruth #babylossawareness
