Parenting Guide to Rearing the Perfect Homicidal Maniac

Parents want what is best for their kid, and I’m sure you are no exception. Many children have dreams of wanting to be a firefighter, a lawyer, or something completely worthless like a doctor. Cooler kids may have a desire to be famous; a dancer, a singer or god forbid, an actor. If notoriety is what they want, there is an all too important profession missing from that list, homicidal maniac. More so than actors and singers, killers leave a legacy sure to linger in the media landscape way longer than any pop song or chick flick. Can you name one movie that came out in 1888? Didn’t think so. That year evokes one image, a bunch dead prostitutes in the hands of legendary, trail-blazing sociopath, Jack the Ripper.

So, do you want your child to be famous?

  1. Isolation, Isolation, Isolation

Isolation cannot start early enough. I encourage you to find a small, dark space in your home to house your child for a majority of the day. Light is a career-killer for any budding mass murderer so darkness is key. Closets, basements, shacks and outhouses all work well. Decorate the walls with posters of homicidal greats and their victims. Bathroom optional. Cockroaches encouraged.

2. Classically Condition the Thirst for Blood

If your child isn’t a naturally born sociopath, don’t worry. Any kid can become a notorious homicidal fiend with a little bit of elbow grease and A LOT of cookies. We all know classical conditioning, encourage a specific behavior by rewarding it.

Start small. They kill an ant; they get a cookie (kids love cookies). Move up to rat; they two cookies. They must kill at least one animal a day.

NOTE: Here is a good place to introduce their dependency on drugs and/or alcohol. Over time replace the cookie with a cookie laced with cocaine, PCP or opiates. Dip it in a White Russian for a simple treat they will not be able to resist.

3. Bully that Brat!

Make fun of their clothes. Call your kid stupid. Believe your kid is stupid. Ensure they will get bullied in school by giving them a bad haircut or forcing them to get fat and wear glasses. If their classmates refuse, cyber bully your own child. The Internet makes it fast and easy. Consistent emotional abuse is extremely important, so don’t let your everyday activities get in the way of obliterating your kid’s self-esteem.

4. Divorce the Love of Your Life

We all know killers come from broken homes, so in the off chance that you’re still married to the love of your life, that needs to end. Try to hold off until your child is ten or eleven, old enough to remember the pain but young enough to blame themselves. Repeatedly remind them the divorce is their fault.

5. Foster an Unhealthy Relationship with Sex

Ted Bundy famously claimed that his painful addiction to pornography fueled his homicidal tendencies. Whether this is true or not, no stone should be left unturned on your child’s path to notorious killer. Porn should be played on the walls of their “Death Den” 24/7. Push them to masturbate but ban ejaculation. Remember, killers come in all shapes, sizes, and sexual orientations so do not subscribe them to heteronormativity.

6. Allow Them to Flourish into their Own Beast

By age fifteen, your child should be excommunicated from your family and removed from your home. Have faith that you have raised them to the best of your ability and never speak to them again.

Now rest easy and don’t worry, your child is sure to die a legend.

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated Zoë Klar’s story.