Reconciling Rape and Restorative Justice

I believe in restorative justice.

And that means I believe in it for the men who’ve groped me in class and in clubs. I believe in it for the woman who raped me. I believe in it for the men who’ve made jokes about assault. I believe in it for the grown men who harassed me when I was a teenager.

I believe in restorative justice. But I also believe in consequences. As a nanny, I try to teach my kiddos natural consequences. If you refuse to wear a coat, you’ll be cold. If you hit a friend, they won’t want to play with you for a while.

I don’t know how we walk that line, between wanting someone to face repercussions for their actions and to also begin the rehabilitation process. To allow for a genuine apology and to allow healing to begin for those impacted.

The first step is always a genuine apology. But what if they don’t know how to apologize? What if they legitimately don’t remember, because societal gender roles let abuse and harassment seem minor to the abuser, while it will never leave the survivor’s mind? Do we teach them? Do we try to make them understand that what they did was wrong? What if they never will?

Is there a line there is no coming back from? Two rapes? Nine catcalls? Three fondlings?

There isn’t one line in the sand, and that’s what makes restorative justice hard. We can’t say in every case that meets these objective standards redemption is…