A Spreadsheet for Non-Monogamous Dating
AKA the power rankings of all my lovers i love, the lovers i used to love, and the lovers i don’t have to love
I was inspired to create my own “dating spreadsheet” inspired by Chin Hua Lu’s. Her template tracks and rates dates with the objective of finding a monogamous partner. I wanted to create one that serves my needs as a polyamorous person dating with the objective of finding multiple lovers.
I know that comparing and ranking partners goes against the ethos of polyamory, but this is a fun way to understand how gaps in my needs & desires from one relationship can be complemented by others. And the rankings are a snapshot in time. In this case, it’s December 2022. I feel optimistic about dating after burying myself in the perpetual state of heartbreak after my 2019 breakup. And I’m enjoying my current connections. It’s as if rising tide raises all boats, even the boats with all my ex-lovers in it. As I went through this exercise, I was actually very sentimental of people I used to love. Forgiving even.
The original template had 5 customizable criteria to start with. I have 11, all weighted differently. Non-monogamous people must be wired differently. For ease of processing, I’ve bundled them into three categories.
Foundational Compatibility: 50%
These are non-negotiables. The “must be this tall to ride this ride.”
- Communication Style
- Relationship Style & Experience
- Lifestyle & Life Stage
- Similar Values
- Emotional Awareness
(In)Convenience Factors: 13%
What hurdles do we have to work with? What does compromise look like? Is it purely logistics? Or am I having to go to a Phish concert more than once in my lifetime?
- Not being into things I’m not into
Layers of Attraction: 27%
It is not only important to me initially, but also important to sustain throughout a relationship.
- Romantic Vibes — 12%
- Sexual Vibes — 10%
- Kink Vibes — 5%
There are no 10s. The best part about some of these when they were concurrent is how they balanced each other out. And for that, I’ll always be very happily non-monogamous.
Download the blank template and make it your own.