Thoughts From Flame Con
I’m pretty new to being queer. There’s a whole other blog post coming about how I came to the conclusion that I am indeed queer, but it would be too long to combine both of these. So let’s just assume that everyone knows I’m queer, bisexual to be more specific, and move on from there even though I’ve never really come out other than telling my mom and some of my friends.
A couple weeks ago I had the amazing opportunity to go to Flame Con, the largest queer comic con in the states, possibly the world. And by “had the opportunity” I mean I bought a ticket and went.
Having never gone to pride or even really a gay bar other than a few drag shows I’ve been to, this was my first time in a truly queer space. A couple of things struck me: one, everyone is really really nice and welcoming; two, no one comments on your outward appearance other than to compliment you; three, everyone is so excited to be there; four, everyone is woke as hell; and lastly five, I don’t know that I belong here even though I know that this space is open for me too.
No one there was denying bisexuality exists or saying anything mean or doing anything to exclude bisexuals. I even bought a sticker that I thought was awesome that says “dual wielding bisexual” and has two swords on it. I think the real problem is that I’m much more quiet about my queerness than everyone else there seemed to be, and that made me feel a little left out.
This is a problem I think a lot of bisexuals face: feeling too gay for the straight kids and not gay enough for the gay kids.
I came to the realization I was queer much later in life than a lot of people do, or at least later than the loudest queer voices do. At panels and talking to people at the con I heard a lot of a similar story from each of them: that they knew they were different from an early age even though it took them maybe a couple years to truly know they were queer, and then they were able to look back at past experiences and feelings with that knowledge and could better understand them. For example one panelist talked about really wanting to be this one girl’s friend in middle school, and now that she knows she likes women she knows that it was more than wanting to be her friend and she had a crush on that girl. This is a very common story, I just don’t share it. The only real feeling like that I’ve had is that I’ve always felt women were more visually attractive than men, and it wasn’t until the past couple years that I’ve realized I may want to do more than just look at them. (That a little bit of a lie I also had kind of a crush on Katie from School of Rock.)
But being queer has never been a large part of my personality. It wasn’t the queerness that made me feel great at Flame Con, it was the nerdiness. There was so much fan art of stuff that I love, like Captain America and Lumberjanes and Star Wars, it just happened to be created by queer artists. I mean sure a lot of it was queer too, like we all know that there’s more going on between Cap and Bucky and some artists made paintings depicting that, but not all of it was like that. Some was just simply a great Star Wars print of Rey with a lightsaber or Princess Leia reminding you to take your meds (I bought that one too because that’s what I need).
I think what made me feel so weird about it is that I’m still so new to being queer, and most of the people there seemed like a pro. I feel like I need to study to be queer, even though that’s kind of ridiculous, it’s just who I am. I’ve never had to study for any other part of myself, other than maybe being interested in something and pursuing it. I feel like I should be able to just be queer without having this encyclopedic knowledge of famous gays that came before me and how exactly queer people have been oppressed throughout history.
But at the same time, if I want to exist in queer spaces maybe I do need to do a little research. I know that I owe a lot to the queer people before me who helped make it ok for us to be ourselves and exist honestly in the world. I honestly don’t know what the answer is, and I’m sure different people would answer it differently.
I guess my whole thing is I don’t want to make a big deal about my queerness. I like men and I like women and it’s not really a big deal to me, so why should it be to anyone else? I totally understand why it is a big deal to other people and why they want to be proud and loud, I just want to be proud and quiet, and I don’t feel like there’s really a place or community for that right now. Like I’d love to be part of like a queer book club where we read books that aren’t necessarily queer, we just really like books. Or a like a queer hockey team (even though I’m a terrible skater and am generally uncoordinated). I’m sure these things do exist, but even in a place like New York I feel like it’s hard to find them unless you already know someone who knows someone. I know I could start one myself, but then how do I find other people to join me?
That’s what attracted me to Flame Con in the first place, was the shared interest of comics. And as far as the comic con aspect of it goes I loved being able to talk to artists and buy their comics and get them signed. My reading and watching list became a lot longer and I collected quite a few books for my night stand. And I liked the queer aspect too, that I was able to support queer artists and their work. But for some reason the community aspect of it is where I felt I didn’t belong there, almost like I was invading someone else’s space. I didn’t quite feel the feeling of finding a home that other people do when they enter the LGBTQIA community. I know that this is my own issue to work out, but I also think that I can’t be the only one to feel this way.
So I guess my conclusion is, if anybody wants to join a queer wine and cheese club, lemme know.
