I Tried Every Flavor of Halo Top and My Wife Still Won’t Let Me See The Kids

Zach Raffio
Sep 6, 2018 · 5 min read

Halo Top is the low-calorie, high protein ice cream craze that is sweeping the nation. Between their podcast ads and endorsements from celebs like Brie Larson and Karlie Kloss, everyone’s going bananas for the guilt-free frozen treat. How do the brand’s 17 flavors stack up? I tried each and every one, but it didn’t matter; my wife Jennifer still won’t let me see my sons, Benjamin, 13, and Scott, 8. Anyway, here’s my take on Halo Top’s enticing array of flavors.

Cookies and Cream

I was so excited to dive into this pint and check out Halo Top’s take on the classic Cookies and Cream combo. The texture was creamy and smooth, and the flavor, while perhaps not as decadently sweet as regular ice cream, was certainly satisfying.

I then called Jennifer to give her my review, and to see what she thought about me taking Scott to see the new Jim Carrey flick The Mask over the weekend. Not only did she tell me that I was an unfit parent and that she didn’t feel comfortable allowing him to spend time with me, she also reminded me that The Mask is not a new movie, and that it is in fact over 20 years old, so chances are no theater would be playing it. Either way, I polished off that pint in no time.

Red Velvet

Red Velvet has certainly become all the rage in recent years. Cupcakes, candy — you name it, they turned it red. So how is Halo Top’s take on the much-hyped treat? Well, the texture is certainly there, but the flavor left a bit to be desired. It just didn’t have that distinctive, rich Red Velvet taste. About halfway through the pint, I texted Jennifer a picture of the pint next to 4 tickets for a baseball game that upcoming Thursday night, thinking maybe we could all go together. She didn’t respond.

Sea Salt Caramel

One word: YUM. I’ve always been a salty & sweet kind of guy, so when I noticed the lovely phrase “Sea Salt Caramel” amongst the multi-colored pints, I knew that one was coming home with me. Great flavor, light yet satisfying — this was my favorite yet. The treat was only sullied when I went on Facebook and saw pictures of Jennifer and her new boyfriend, Cal, on their recent vacation to Maine. There were even a few with Benjamin and Scott. God, Benjamin is getting so old. He’s starting high school next year.

I commented on the photos with a picture of me and the empty Sea Salt Caramel pint. She didn’t respond. Cal “liked” it though — he seems like a pretty good guy overall.

Strawberry

I’ve never really enjoyed fruity ice cream, so I knew this one would have to do some heavy lifting. A few spoonfuls in and I just had to stop — partially because I didn’t enjoy the treat, and partially because I received a call from Jennifer. She asked me to stop parking outside their house late at night. She said that everyone in the neighborhood knew it was me, and that if I did it again, she would have me arrested. That really made Strawberry just an all-around bummer. 0/0.

Vanilla Bean

A decent take on an American classic. Speaking of American classics, Benjamin and I’s favorite movie to watch together is Field of Dreams. It was on the other night while I was eating the Halo Top. Such great memories. I’m going to call Jennifer again.

Mint Chip

She didn’t pick up. I left her a voicemail. I’ll call again soon.

Lemon Cake

A bit more sour than I would like, personally. And yes, I am talking about Jennifer’s response to my 9 voicemails. I may have overdid it, I see that now.

Black Cherry

But is it overdoing it if I truly care about my children? I love them. I know I’ve made mistakes in the past, but I’ve changed. I really have.

Chocolate Almond Crunch

Jennifer agreed to meet for coffee to talk things over. When I got there, Cal was waiting in the car listening to Pod Save America. It was nice of him to give Jennifer her space, and to stay nearby in case she needs the support. He really does seem like a pretty good guy overall.

Birthday Cake

Things started off tense. We both started right in with one another — recounting every mistake, every selfish moment — to the point that I was certain the barista would ask us to leave. We realized that we weren’t acting appropriately and quickly calmed things down.

She ordered a cappuccino in a slight Italian accent, and it reminded me of the summer we spent together in Florence before the kids were born. What an incredible time. I think about it often.

Peanut Butter Cup

I asked her about work. She said the company has been going through layoffs, and she was pretty nervous for what’s next. Cal was in between jobs at the moment, so their financial doings were clearly under pressure. I told her I would help out as best I could. Even though we’ve clearly had our differences, she’s still very important to me.

Chocolate

We laughed about an old home video of Benjamin learning to skateboard. He certainly was a precocious kid. Heck, still is.

Oatmeal Cookie

I apologize for being selfish, for not putting my family’s needs before mine. She apologizes for undermining me around the children. We both slowly break into tears recounting all of our regrets. It’s clear that we both were in pain, and that the pain hasn’t left, just fallen deeper into our bodies and crystalized. Talking it through finally allows the pain to feel like it’s dissolving.

Mochi Green Tea

Finally, as our faces have dried and she prepares to return to Cal, who really does seem like a good guy overall, Jennifer mentions a barbecue they’re holding at the house over the weekend, and wonders if I would like to stop by. And yes, Benjamin and Scott will be there.

Pancakes and Waffles

I am so, so grateful. We were finally honest with one another — and were able to be honest with ourselves in the process. This allowed me to realize that even though we may not be in love anymore, Jennifer and I clearly hold a very special place in one another’s hearts.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

I now see Benjamin and Scott frequently. They stay at my house some weekends, and I even taught Benjamin how to shave last week. He barely had any hair yet, but like I said, he’s always been a precocious kid. I guess, in a way, we all are. We all pretend to know what’s best for ourselves and one another, and sometimes end up doing what’s worst as a result. It took me a long time to realize this, but now that I have, I’ll never make the same mistake again. I’m ready to learn. I’m ready to listen. I’m ready to love.

Rainbow Swirl

Awful.

Written by

Aspiring Child Star. Generally Bad. @zachraffio.

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