How To Force Cats To Love You

From the purrspective of a cat!

Have you ever visited someone’s house and they have a cat, and the cat just immediately takes to you?

Of course not.

We cats aren’t unconditional love dispensers like dogs are, we’re better than that. You don’t just automatically get given our love. To paraphrase Britney, you better work, b*tch. And even then… you might just not be lucky enough.

But you can certainly try your best. Here are some guidelines that you must follow, to the letter, in order to get your friendly neighborhood cat to love you.

Rule 1. Don’t try too hard.

Cats can sense a try-hard, like horses can smell fear. We despise wannabes. The harder you try, the less we’ll like you.

Resting cat face. — @astridandchumbo on instagram

Only when you become like us, without a care in the world, floating effortlessly from person to person, graciously accepting all tokens of gratitude (and catitude), with no attachments, can you understand and receive our love. Deal with it.

Rule 2. Bribe

We are not above a bribe. We accept bribes in all currencies, including but not limited to treats, food, strokes and treats. When you give us bribes, we will bestow a small portion of love upon you. Be grateful. Accept it. Dwell on this, the best moment of your life, forever.

You can also scratch our butts. We like that. Sometimes.

Rule 3. Put us first

This means we own you, and we own your house.

NO food we can’t have. Pizza night? Yes please.

NO laptops we can’t step on. Just sent an email to your boss only half-finished? You’re welcome.

NO ankles we can’t twine around. Oh, you just tripped? Get more graceful.

NO books we can’t block. You’re immersed in another world? Come back to this one, we’re hungry.

NO glasses of wine we can’t knock over. Wine’s bad for you. Cats are good for you.

We own this house and we own you. Get used to it.

This bed is ours. We own this entire house. — @astridandchumbo on instagram

If you follow those three rules, we can guarantee* all cats everywhere will love you!

*This guarantee ensures that one cat will, at some point during the next ninety three years of your life, permit one stroke. Take it and be happy.