What (almost) Every Marriage is Missing
How Healthy Boundaries Changed our Marriage
Marriage is not easy (no kidding). Take two people with two different personalities, perceptions, needs, etc. and stick them together to live together day in and day out. Conflict is inevitable. Even high school sweethearts who grew up together with the same background can process life in a completely different way.
This is where boundaries come in. According to research professor Brene Brown, “Boundaries are simply our lists of what’s OK and what’s not OK.”
Do most of us even know what healthy boundaries are — or are not? When I brought the book Boundaries in Marriage (Cloud & Townsend, 1999) to my husband’s attention, red flags clouded his vision. Being abandoned as a child, his perception of boundaries understandably was this is how I keep you away. A complete misperception, but how many of us are aware of what healthy boundaries are anyway?
Ah Ha Moment
After reading the chapters on conflict (our most pressing issue) I pleaded with my husband to do the same. He did so reluctantly only to look up at me slack jaw. “I never knew about any of this. I was never taught any of this,” he said.
Of course, he was never taught boundaries. As a survivor of childhood abuse, his boundaries were non-existent. I too was shocked this reality had never clicked with me. After being married for over twenty years and knowing about boundaries, I had never put two and two together and realized he was completely in the dark in this area.
This was our ticket. We continued through the book and workbook, educating ourselves on several key issues and learning even more of one another.
“Boundaries help us to determine who is responsible for what.” (Cloud & Townsend, 1999, 20)
A Global Problem
One of the issues addressed in the book, among many others, was taking responsibility for our “treasures” and rightly handling our spouses’ treasures. Examples of treasures are feelings, behaviors, limits, desires, talents, etc. After having the door opened to this new insight, I started noticing other couples who weren’t treasuring their own “treasures” much less their spouses’. Couple after couple I noticed did their “dance” — they moved about, but only round in circles to keep the peace, never going anywhere.
I saw how love, respect, and mutual validation were missing in their words and actions. It’s as if they were going through the motions stirring a pot of bland broth, thin and watery, never making any effort to enhance its flavor by adding meat, vegetables, herbs and spices.
Some examples in the book include a husband who would get in a bad mood and pout. The wife and kids would then cater to dad and walk on eggshells until he decided to come out of it. Another was an unhappily married woman, who discovered she had lost herself in the marriage. She realized she needed to stop blaming her husband and take responsibility for her own “treasures”, along with many other examples.
The risk is the spouse may refuse to comply with a request for support or change and a more serious decision be made such as separating. This is the point my husband and I came to. I had ignorantly tolerated his inappropriate, trauma induced behavior way too long in the name of “helping” him only to be jarred to reality when the stress of it all threatened my physical health.
Why the Resistance
Some people are unaware and were never taught healthy boundaries like my husband. For others, the possible fallout of enforcing them proves too burdensome. Still others are fine with the status quo and the motivation for change absent. For my husband and I, it was ignorance of the elephant in the room…until I read about the elephant in the room.
You might be thinking, this is our situation, what do we do? Get the Boundaries in Marriage book and workbook and dig in. Even if your spouse is not interested, do it (see the chapter titled Resolving Conflict with a Boundary-resistant Spouse). Also, find a good couple’s counselor along with one for each of you individually if needed and go -even if your spouse won’t.
It won’t be easy, change never is. But speaking from experience, the results are well worth the effort.
“Those who value the preciousness of their marriage will pay a high price to preserve it.” (Cloud & Townsend, 1999, 147)
