Getting things undone
I always think of myself as a survivor, that’s not because I grew up in a dangerous place or inside a war or something, that’s actually because I lived most of my life living with myself, and having a contradictory, self sabotaging ‘self’ lead to a constant fight.
It’s very common for me to sit back and have long conversations with myself about doing things that I know I never going to do. The constant fight between me and myself all the times lead me to not do anything at all.
That’s why I call myself a survivor, I don’t know how anybody can live doing absolutely nothing. I think I was lucky made it through four decades of my life.
Most of my life I’m daydreaming about things that I never going to do. I study for them, I plan for them, and I’m never doing them. Sometimes I think that just thinking about doing something can satisfy me. And that’s really annoying, as a human being I love to see outcome of my thoughts, but I really never make them happen. And I’m a survivor because I do as minimum as possible to stay alive.
My most regrets are not about what I did or what I said, my regrets are all about what I didn’t do and what I didn’t said.
I’ve got list of thing that I want to do all over in papers and files, but that’s sometimes is the longest way my planing can get me, just listing.
