A Million Little Cuts…
Last night, I was cleaning out my home office. The flooring people are coming tomorrow, and my office will have to be empty. 2 desks, a filing cabinet, three bookshelves, and a printer table must all be removed. In addition, I have 3 chairs, 2 large desktop computers, and 3 computer monitors. That doesn’t include 8 boxes worth of ‘stuff’ on the floor.
For me, 2020 has not yet ended. The February Great Freeze that destroyed the south wing of my house has not been fully dealt with. Almost there, but two big things left to knock out.
As I clean off my desk, my heart drops. Detailed plans, page upon page, of how I will build my phone business to the next phase. Letter upon letter from friends and young men, all unanswered. Unfiled receipts. Lists of To-do’s. Projects started, 90% complete, lying unfinished.
I get up from my desk and join my wife in the kitchen.
“Come pray with me, please.” I can barely get the words out of my mouth. I am struggling.
My wife’s face shows concern.
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
“I hate myself right now. Please, come and pray with me.”
“Okay. Would you like to take communion?”
“Yes, that would be fine.”
For years, I didn’t allow alcohol to be opened inside my house. Not because it is wrong, but because both sides of my family are chock full of alcoholics. For me, better safe than sorry. Over the years, we have received many bottles of wine, given as gifts, which we stored in our closet, unopened.
But last year, we began taking communion at home. A very small glass of wine plus some plain crackers. We did this about twice a month, praying prayers of worship towards God.
Tonight will not be a prayer of worship, but one of pleading.
I start praying.
“Father, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. You have given me everything I ever desired. A beautiful wife and two incredible daughters. A great house, little financial stress, travels around the world. Eating out as much as we want. Unbelievable friends, great families, and amazing churches to protect us and aid our service to You.”
I start crying.
“But I have failed You. I had to shut down my company. I should have anticipated the effects of something like Covid. I must have been blind, because I did not prepare.
“Worse, I have a stack of unanswered letters atop my desk. I have 20 texts on my phone, wanting to meet, again all unanswered. Friends, family, and young men simply looking for someone they can trust, someone who cares. Some of these letters and texts are a year and a half old.
“Father, there is something wrong with me. “
My wife starts crying.
“I don’t know what to do. Part of me is broken, and I cannot fix it no matter how hard I try. Please shield my wife, my daughters, my family, and my friends. I do not want my flaws to cause them suffering. Do not hold them accountable for my actions and inactions. It is not their fault.
“I am 57 years-old now. I have no idea how much longer I have left to achieve what You desire.
“You have been faithful. I lack for nothing.
“I have been faithless, giving back little.
“Father, I am asking for the thousandth time. Please fix me. I have little value to You when I am like this.”
A million little procrastinations.
A million little failures.
A million little cuts…
