Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 1 Recap
Welcome to the inaugural post of A Blog Has No Name, a blog dedicated to recapping, discussing, and laughing at Game of Thrones. We are members of House Snark, and #PettyIsComing.
House Snark is:
Becky Jones sometimes remembers to tweet and Instagram at @beckysjones. She lives in Sweden and once hosted a GoT podcast called The Rains of Podcastamere with Sean Adams.
Brandon Meehan is still using the name Brandon IsHandsome on Facebook because he’s an idiot. His Instagram is @sirbrandonmee but his calling is Snapchat, where he’s just @brandonmeehan. He has a crush on Lauren Bailey.
Brianna Meeks goes by @peachyascanbri on instagram and twitter. She lives and writes in Atlanta, GA with her ukulele, Yoko Ono and her shih tzu, Baxter. She spends way too much time on the internet and is currently ruining her chances at home ownership by buying boozy brunch.
Lauren Bailey is @portico801 on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. She is deeply offended by Euron’s pleather tuxedo and still can’t believe it was covered in perforated stars. Like really. This is a very high-budget television show.
Sean Adams writes for PennLive.com and also does other things with words. PennLive used to do a GoT podcast called the Rains of Podcastamere and he’s still super proud of thinking up that name. (Or maybe Becky thought of it?) Aw fuck, Becky was the one that thought of it. Anyway he’s on Twitter @Sean_C_Adams.
Season 7, Episode 1: Dragonstone
Winter is here and with it comes our recaps, filled mostly with petty observations, but also with info, predictions, and theories. Today we’re recapping the Season 7 premiere, Dragonstone.
If you haven’t watched, what the fuck are you even doing here? **SPOILERS*** from here on out, obviously.
The season/episode opens with Walder Frey* addressing House Frey with a toast. We all had differing opinions on what the fuck was happening here, with most of us thinking it was Arya probably, and Brianna thinking this was some sort of flashback (shruggie).
But then he proposes a toast + starts monologuing + denies the lady a drink which definitely seemed to = pulling a Jim Jones (no, not the rapper).
*Then Arya Stark pulls off Frey’s face and we see that The North Indeed Fucking Remembers and we also remember that Arya is gangster AF.
Also fuck Ed Sheeran why is he in this episode go away forever bye. Sadly, Arya leaves his eminently stab-able face un-punctured. Sure, he and his other Lannister soldiers are just regular guys who share their food with her and whatever, but if there was ever a time for Arya to straight murder some people, that was it.
(Beyond) The Wall
Beyond The Wall, in a cloud of ice and more ice, is the biggest deadest scariest parade of all time. And also the biggest deadest scariest army of all time. Is it just us or has White Walker Giant got to be the creepiest character to exist in this universe?? Oh wait, Petyr Baelish. Okay, second place goes to Giant Ice Zombie.
Bran Stark is at The Wall with Meera Reed trying to convince the new Night’s Watch Commander, Dolorous Edd, that he is actually Bran Stark…which he doesn’t really do. He just tells the Lord Commander some Three Eyed Raven shit and Edd basically says “Lol, k as long as you’re not wildlings.” Bran and Meera finally go back to the living side of The Wall.
Back at the Stark Stronghold, Jon Snow is addressing his allies about the war to come, and, though recently dead, reborn, and wartorn, is focused solely on the Night King and White Walkers and what fighting them means. Sansa Stark prefers to inspire Jon by trying to convince him to reward loyalty and penalize traitors. Jon prefers to become King Robb, Second of his Name, which makes Sansa want to Batman-and-Robin-meme slap Jon in the face.
Later though, she tells Jon “You have to be smarter than Father. You need to be smarter than Robb. I love them, I miss them, but they made stupid mistakes and they lost their heads for it.”
Robb II incredulously asks her if he will keep his head by listening to her, by which Sassy Sansa responds “Would that be so difficult?” But he doesn’t answer because he’s a calm leader.
Cersei Lannister is out here painting maps of Westeros on floors so that she can illustrate that she has haters in every area code, including:
- Olenna Tyrell (“the old cunt”)
- “Ellaria Sand and her brood of bitches” (#broodofbitches)
- “Ned Stark’s bastard and Sansa, the murdering whore that stands beside him”
Meanwhile, Goo Goo Dolls cover band frontman and grunge pirate, Euron Greyjoy, decided to take the time to propose to Cersei en route to his open mic night with his band, Brood of Bitches (#broodofbitches). It was super romantic and inspiring, thought none of us. Also, how are you gonna hit on someone when her boyfriend/brother (broyfriend?? brosband???) is right there. Rude. Euron makes a joke about having two hands which okay fine but they’re sucky hands because you suck.
Samwell Tarly is stuck in the worst, shit-filled, monotonous, musicless montage ever witnessed on screen. With zero access to the section that houses info on dragonglass, which is the only reason he is there in the fucking first place. After the silent montage, which serves mostly to give us info about Sam’s gag reflex, Sam and some old guy (Maester Marwyn) have a nice chat about White Walkers over a gaping dead body.
Sam, with the help of a now-literate Gilly, realizes there’s an assload of dragonglass at Dragonstone (go figure!) and writes immediately to his bestie Jon up at Winterfell, who was actually JUST FUCKING WONDERING where he could find some dragonglass (Jon’s gonna be so stoked).
Dany and crew arrive at her place of birth in matching and fleek AF black outfits ready to plan THE FUCK out of this war, and the dragons are also stoked AF.
House of Snark Awards
Each week we’ll present our #HouseSnark awards for the following categories. This week we’ll make it simple for you.
Bran Snark Award for Bore: Bran Stark.
He literally just said some weird shit and then scooted away. Cool. Who cares.
Sansa Snark Award for Sass: Sansa Stark.
“No need to seize the last word; I’ll assume it was something clever.”
Come on, Sansa was nonstop sassmaster to both Jon and Baelish this ep.
Arya Snark Award for Savagery: Arya Stark.
LISTEEEEN talk to me the next time you wear a dude’s face and poison his whole family and size up some Ed Sheeran (seriously why the fuck were you here, Ed?).
Ned Snark Award for Gone but Not Forgotten (#RIP): Ned Stark.
We’d say House Frey but bye.gif, y’all!
Lyanna Mormont for Queen of the 7 Queendoms forever.
The Hound as runner up in the sass category and slaying with that topknot dig on Thoros, the apparently bald cunt.
There were tons of sassy one-liners in this ep, but the baddest bitches can slay without a single word: we see you, Missandei!
Are we trash for thinking Jorah Mormont is lowkey old man fine? Asking for a friend. …of a friend.
Predictions and Observations:
If Arya doesn’t kill Ed Sheeran what are we all even doing here?
Jon is probably on his way to Dragonstone and will run into Dany (who is what? His sister? Cousin? Aunt?) and wow won’t that be an awk family reunion.
When Bran let the Night King touch him while he was fucking around in the tree while the previous Three Eyed Raven took a nap, it broke the spell on the tree, letting the Night King in and ruining our lives as we learned Hodor’s origin. Bran just passed through the wall; will he bring it down knowing he’s marked? Is he still marked? Maybe!
Euron’s “gift” he’s bringing Cersei can’t be some signed t-shirts from his shitty band’s world tour, so it has to be Dragonbinder, the horn that controls Dany’s dragons, right?
Jim Broadbent’s cameo as Grand Maester Marwyn makes him like the 50th Harry Potter actor to appear on the show, and possibly the only one still alive now that Walder Frey is real dead.
Roast of Euron Greyjoy
Brandon: WHERE is his hair? It looks like he cut too much off and poured all of his remaining grunge vibes into a tuxedo that looks like a vest. Fuck his chest hair.
Becky: he looks like a grunge pirate. He looks like your your dad’s drunk friend at the Halloween party. He’s every anarchobro in eyeliner I’ve ever met.
Lauren: I hate his Goo Goo Dolls outfit. It’s like a plastic blazer from Forever21. Who proposes in a trash bag and then makes fun of Jaime? Euron Reznik, that’s who.
Brianna: It was a leather tux WITH STARS ON IT.
Sean: Dude looks like the one guy who got kicked out of the band but still performs under the band’s name for awhile with a whole new set of guys, but then tries to perform solo and gets real mad when nobody respects him and keep asking him to play the old band’s hits.
Brianna: I hate Euron. He’s like boring af. But also trash.
Sean: ^ omg he’s this season’s Daario
“Look how edgy and sexy and dangerous he is” haha no but seriously HBO, where’s the real guy, this one looks like you threw some random costume leftovers on a homeless man
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