Donald Trump’s acceptance apeech

It’s 1 a.m. on November 9, 2016. Donald Trump just won the presidency in a landslide after Hillary Clinton was found out to be an actual robot. For some reason, Trump hired me to write his victory speech. It’s brief because he has, umm, ‘stuff’ to do now that he’s president.

“Thank you idio- I mean, people who voted for me! This is a great day for America! Today, we’ve reclaimed America from Kenyan rule. I’d like to thank my biggest supporter groups individually.

God I love the poorly educated, let me tell you. If education was so affordable, all you people would be so smart you’d never even consider voting for me. Thankfully education in America leaves many people with such crippling debt you don’t even bother going to school. Maybe you aren’t that dumb after all.

And women, ladies, I love ya. I love women. Especially younger women like my wife, and also my daughter, whom I’d date if I weren’t married to my wife. Oh fun fact: my wife is only 11 years older than my daughter. Anyway, I’m thrilled you voted to punish yourselves for having abortions. It’s about time you ladies realize you need to be punished for controlling your own bodies! And punished you will be. Or maybe you shouldn’t be punished… No, no I was right the first time. Probably…

I’m also thrilled America’s Muslims realize the danger they pose to all of us innocent, good natured, gun-toting white folks. And tomorrow, I’ll reward you all by sending you to free summer camps in the Nevada desert. The army will even be there! Trust me, it’ll be so much fun.

And, my friends, the Mexican border wall will be built. It’ll be 57 metres high, completely electrified, laced with barbed wire and patrolled night and day by laser tigers. In fact, today I’m announcing my latest reality TV show. We’re going to let a handful of Mexicans through the wall once every week and film them as the laser tigers hunt them down and maul them. I know, I know — I’m a genius.

Whatever man…

Let’s make America great again! Or, whatever…”

If people like this type of post, I could do one for Ted Cruz or Hillary Clinton too.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.