— an anecdote of potpourris.
Am I Yours or Are You Mine?
Or am I only in the way? Either way, we were never there.
How are you?
Have you been eating well? How are your studies? Still planning on getting hitched after college? Has he searched for a ring yet? I hope he didn’t forget to delete his browser history afterwards like I did.
Honest mistake. Every thought of you were earthquakes and I was another mountain for you to conquer — as impossible as that may seem. Forever was always with us those days, hugging us while we were wrapped tightly within the sheets.
Yet some things were too good to be true, and I know you were the first amongst both of us to realize. Good for you.
Do you remember the places I took you to? I hardly have those anymore. Those impromptu staycations we used to do, all the late-night drives. I didn’t always agree to what you called a playlist but at times, when the fight gets too tough, I developed a love and hate relationship with your favorite singer.
You must loathe me, do you? How you said I’m both your trigger and cure. You always said I was the one who soothed you best but I should’ve known better.
Love does make you only see what you want to see; makes you breathe a little funny, smile a bit crooked than usual, thinking the six impossible things over breakfast could easily be done before dinner. You made sure I felt the irrationality because you decided to let things go first.
You saw the iceberg from miles away, behind all those mists I warned you about when we first set sail. Yet instead of steering clear, you kissed me goodnight and took off with our only lifeboat.
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Two years worth of what-ifs. I’ve sailed away now, with someone new and you did too. But it feels quite strange, doesn’t it? We’ve discussed this before: how impossible for those who knew each other inside out, upside down to be separated by choice nor force. Ah babe, look at us now.
I have to ask, though.
Have you ever felt how close my presence was, although our distance had grown further apart? You may not like this at all, but I was only a few things away from where you breathe in and out — although, at times, I hardly notice it too.
I was a few seconds before you when we liked our friend’s mutual picture. I was two dates away from the cafe where you had your hands held over coffee. I’m within every lingering euphoria when he took you to the cinema downtown, even within pages of your not-so-favorite book. I am, still searching too, for you.
For your light amongst the pool of glimmering stars, your tiniest speck of atom far in the horizon that not even my eyes could begin to conquer. I hardly cease my quest within every line of poems you’ve written — I dissected them each as they devoured me whole.
I eluded every projected notion of you, every possibility that could never come to light. I rose over the illogicality of the non-existing wrath of yours yet I tremble to bits over the thought of a kiss. I still catch glimpses of you, every now and then, although I know you were never there.
It makes me wonder, whether or not you’re stuck in the same loop.
