Defeated, Again
An excerpt of an attack and a loss repeated once more . . .
I step onto the ground, dread, and anxiety filling my heart already.
This is just the beginning.
As the game begins, the girls scamper about, playing with vigor and involvement.
I try to move along, making some effort to get someone to pass the ball to me.
But no one does.
They play, engrossed.
I am invisible.
I am unknown.
I am unloved.
It starts again.
My heart starts thumping faster, my breathing becomes ragged, but I am rooted in the spot.
Beads of sweat line my brow.
My fingers start shivering, my knees struggle to hold me up.
My eyes fill with tears.
That dreaded feeling launches its attack, seeping through me, body and heart, slowly, but stealthily, with so much force.
I try to block them out, I really do.
But, there is no defeating it.
The wave of loneliness, sadness, and a distinct darkness washes over me, coupled with rage and hatred towards myself.
For being so weak.
For being so ugly, and stupid and “uncool.”
For being the geek in the crowd.
My vision wavers, blotted with spots.
The darkness starts closing in on my field of view.
I clutch at the wall for support, waiting for it to pass.
The moment is long and slow, so damn slow.
As my mind regains the slightest control, I move.
Nobody notices me leaving.
I run away, turning my head, so my tears are hidden, keeping a stolid expression while replying to some curious questioners.
Soon, I am alone, this time, physically too.
I sink to the floor, sobs rocking my body, as my tears flow incessantly.
I got attacked, once again, by loneliness, sorrow, and self-hate.
And, yet again, I lost.
