Leap of Faith
An introduction
Hi! My name is Alex and I’m gonna try to be honest here; I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Both right now and in life. Like, at all. But that’s what this is all about! I’ll try to start off simple. I’m a high school student, one who is dangerously close to taking the next step in life.
Holy shit — it’s a steep ledge, isn’t it? College debt, rent, food, gas money, friends, and the most exciting parts; sex, drugs, and politics. I’m not sure if I can make it through it all safely, much less happily. That’s what I’m trying to do here, by the way; be happy. I don’t know much, but I know that the “happy” part is important.
This damn chasm lies in front of me, just over the ledge, and it’s slowly creeping closer, no matter what I do. It feels like the ground is crumbling away beneath my feet — like the chasm is eating at the soil until it reaches and devours me, and with every inch it grows, new fears manifest. It’s not all bad though; in fact, with every fear, there is an identical concept but with a better twist; college without debt, my own home, freedom, friends. (Sex and drugs as well, of course). I just can’t see myself managing to have the latter! I guess you could call that chasm, that pit — a manifestation of my doubts.
Self-loathing, depression, abuse, and anxiety. The four horsemen of my childhood. I’ve fought them all for years. I’m losing. I’ve been losing. That’s the truth. It’s hard to like yourself when you’re anxious, depressed, apathetic, and weak. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Is it hard to not be anxious, depressed, apathetic, or weak when you hate yourself? I don’t know. If I did, maybe I wouldn’t have as many problems.
Enough about my flaws and fears. It’s self-affirmation time! (I encourage you to try some for yourself after this, by the way.) I’m a talented martial artist! Well, actually, I’m not. Talent implies a natural skill, which I have none of (for martial arts). I worked hard to get where I am, which (in my completely biased opinion) is better. I’m smart enough, I’m pretty enough, and I’m healthy enough to be comfortable with myself and my body at the moment.
I am one of the few members of Generation Z who can recite entire 2pac albums by heart, in which I take immense pride. I’ve done the research to be able to help my friends as best I can; what I mean by this is that I have spent hundreds of hours pouring through the history of the country I grew up in and love so dearly, as well as immersing myself in antiracist and social philosophy. I won’t go into detail here for obvious reasons, but I am thankful that I was able to shed the biases and racist habits I’ve developed over my childhood. Well, I’m at least able to see my biases and accept feedback in productive ways now.
I’m proud of myself for all of that.
In summary, I guess I’m a socially-stunted gamer/martial artist/antiracist/writer who puts my all into everything that I do. Well, I try to at least. Maximum effort! It’s a simple yet powerful philosophy I learned from Tang Soo Do (and Deadpool, of course), which I’ve been trying to live by ever since I learned of it.
I think that I see myself in a positive light at this point, and while I am still growing and changing as a person (which I’m sure will never stop) I don’t have time to doubt myself anymore. Even if it’s not healthy excitement, I’ve come to terms with it.
I need to move forward, with a running start. I don’t have time to be apathetic or self-sabotaging anymore. I need to enter the pit — leap over the ledge. So, wish me luck. I’ve started running. I’ve started running towards the chasm instead of away from it. I figure it’s better to hit the ground running than to be swallowed up against my will. So, it’s a leap of faith, in a way. It’s my leap of faith.
And leap I shall.
