Loved but Unloved
Is there something wrong with me?
People always tell me, that when around friends, we are supposed to feel happy, accepted, loved.
They tell me that I am supposed to have a good time, enjoy every moment, feel free and blissful.
Then why — why, do I not feel so?
Why, when I am around my friends, who I’ve ways regarded so close, do I feel so lonely, suppressed, and beaten by an overwhelming sadness?
Why do I always feel like I am the odd one out, like I am not supposed to be there, like I am not one of them?
I may be different, weird even, but I can’t help it.
Every time, I question myself —
“ Is there something wrong with ME?”
I look in the mirror when I get back home, and, as my tears flow, I wonder, why I feel so sad when I spend time with people who are supposed to be my “best friends.”
It always feels like a wave of melancholy and deep negative emotions just washed over me, leaving me wrecked, shattered.
How I wish it was different!
That I would return home from a party with a gleeful smile, truly from my heart.
That I could look back, filled with happiness and pride, as I reminisce at my closest friends.
But it is not so.
Maybe something is wrong with me.
Maybe I am all wrong.
The geek in the crowd.
The “nerd” in the classroom.
The spoilsport in the group.
The weirdo in every place.
Maybe that is what I am.
Maybe that is all I am.
“Beware of her. She is really odd, you know. Always talks awkward stuff. Always writing sad articles. Spreading her negativity to everybody! Ugh, stay away from her . . .”
I wish I could be happier, somehow, with my friends.
I wish I was more “likable.”
More lovable and fun.
More of the person, who everybody else wants me to be.
