Observations from a 12-Step Sponsor
A Sponsor, in a 12-step recovery program, is an experienced member who guides the newcomer through the steps. This is known as “Working the steps” and it might seem overwhelming to the newcomer at first. This is why we need the guidance of someone who has walked the path to recovery.
(Note: For simplicity’s sake, I will use masculine pronouns and view this article from the perspective of Alcoholics Anonymous there are many 12-step programs, AA was the first.)
Imagine the newcomer … Having realized his life is a train wreck, he decides to seek help. He walks into a room with chairs in a circle and a bunch of grizzled old guys guzzling coffee and eating doughnuts. Lost, confused, and bouncing back from “Rock bottom”, the newcomer has little chance of staying sober on his own. That’s why we have Sponsors.
A Sponsor is a member who has experience and knowledge in the 12 steps. Me, I don’t like talking about my qualifications; feels like I’m bragging, let’s just say I’ve been around.
Each Sponsor/Sponsee relationship is different but I have a set of guidelines that help define our goals and boundaries:
• The Sponsee calls and texts the Sponsor, anytime night or day, especially when temptation rears its ugly head. The Sponsee is primarily responsible for his own recovery. It is unhealthy (generally) if I am making the calls.
• I will not: lend you money, bail you out of jail, or give you a place to stay. My recovery life ends at my doorstep; my immediate family is separate.
• I am concerned with your recovery; not your wife or partner’s. I don’t want phone calls from your wife, mom, sibling, or well-intentioned loved one.
• Call me anytime day or night especially before that first drink. If you get drunk, call me after you sober up a bit … I don’t want to talk to your disease.
• When you receive your milestone chip (thirty days, sixty days, etc …): remember it is your higher power and yourself that got you there. I am only a tool to carry out his will. And, if you relapse …that’s on you.
• A relapse is not the end of the world … Pick yourself up again and start over. Some folks will claim that a relapse is inevitable. I do not. I won’t give up on you until you quit.
I like to meet with my Sponsees in fast food places. They offer a strange realm of anonymity in a moving crowd. Sometimes we meet weekly and go over the sobriety game plan; meetings attended, big book studies, and escape plan when placed in a situation that may lead to drinking. Some guys I only see at meetings … Each relationship is different. And my rules are only guidelines, we must trust my experience and knowledge as to when and if I bend my own rules.
I have sponsored many men. Some have recovered and now have their own Sponsees. Others have “gone back out” (returned to drinking) and many have just disappeared. Two guys became so upset with me that they wrote long, detailed texts describing what a failure I was as a Sponsor and a human being. One fellow accused me of betraying our trust with his boss … I hated to tell him the boss just wasn’t that interested.
Being a Sponsor can be rewarding and frustrating, challenging and exasperating. Not unlike being a parent, teacher, or mentor. But, a Sponsor should rarely become a friend. Nothing is set in stone — but the relationship needs a bit of the old dog/young dog relationship.
Finally, while the battle to recover may be life or death; we need to always remember to hold desperately to our sense of humor. In AA, we have a saying called Rule 62: “Don’t take yourself so damn serious!” My own Sponsor once told me that every one of his Sponsees was a success.
You mean they all stayed sober?
Oh hell no! But I did!
By pouring into someone else, one gets out of one’s own head. And that’s why I sponsor.
