Sins of an Introvert/Cassiopeia
So you finally came, but you did in a way that I was not expecting. I have been banished for not caring about the world and especially myself. How could I since you did not love me? This is because I failed to love myself right? I really hope it’s not because you thought I could become more beautiful than you are.
Hello reader passing by the street, I am lonely and arguing with her since I have nothing better to do at the moment. Would you care to know what she did to me? Be sure then to spread the word to as many people as possible after you hear this, especially introverts and highly sensitive persons. But come in. It’s 5 p.m. and getting cold really soon. Would you like anything? We got all sorts of infusions. Three Tulsi? Excellent choice, there you go.
The worst thing you can do is hate yourself. She betrayed me because of that. Oh, don’t be alarmed, you cannot see her but she is here. She took a long time coming but she did show up. That one time I told her that the worst mistake was not loving her when I was I child, man that was almost four years ago and it’s not the truth. Thing is, you are not supposed to love her yet because it’s who grows you up that must. You might love her but not intentionally, and I can tell you that’s probably the most spontaneous way there is.
When rationality kicks in and you are mature enough, those people growing you (that being parents or whoever) are very likely to have influenced the conscious love or hate you have for her. If you are stuck in your imagination and have no friends as a child, you might have spent too much time with her in a really tiny space. Sure she would talk to you, but she was probably way too mature for you already. So you would fight. You grew up looking at the sky and whispering to the clouds, reaching places only a sensitive person could do. That’s because you would look for her in the rational world, try to give her a shape or a human appearance, but you would only hear her in your chest.
How can you say sorry to something you cannot see? It’s hard, right?
Do you want to know what she did when she first saw me today? She slapped me! Can you believe that? You’ve gone missing for years and then you slap me when I feel you? Her being eons ahead, I can tell you that it was one of the most powerful acts of love there is. I collapsed and I’ve spent almost one year begging for salvation after that. Being scared of living, of leaving the house, going to bed because of daily panic attacks and crippling anxiety. She showed me death, absence of hope, pure darkness, and pretty much what there is up there close to her.
She would tie a tiny little star to a stick and pull it hard away from me every time I started to see her light. And then it was black again. I would not even be able to cry, I was permanently stunned and trembling. I started looking for treatments everywhere, spent a lot of money on doctors and drugs and there was no way out. All of this for a lifetime of hating myself, of mistreating myself, of feeling guilty because I am not like most people. I would ignore healthy food and not work-out, I would instead dive into isolation, addiction, and false hope.
Well, I am still isolated cause I am still trying to come out of this completely, I don’t have friends anymore, and other people are not an option anyway. She smiled a couple of times but she is not that happy yet. It’s slow, hard, and takes a lot to recover from what she can do. I accept it, after months of denial, it’s what I deserve. But you, as well as other fellow introverts, please don’t hurt yourselves. If you are doing it, stop as soon as possible, because she will wake up again and defend herself. Be wary, if it comes down to that you have two options, you say sorry and fight, or you die.
We mostly are on our own, so if we don’t love ourselves, it’s unlikely that someone else will.
Reader, I would like to keep you here but I see that you have Andromeda back there … Well, at least she’s probably less severe than mine but don’t use that as an excuse. Love yourself and love her (she’s so beautiful by the way). We will meet again and you might be able to tell me how it went for you. Me? Yes, I think I am back, I will tell others about my story in many forms and keep going. Now go! Take care.
The reader smiles, gets up, and leaves closing the door/page.
“Have I said too much Cassiopeia?”
“You said too little, but one step at a time, be patient and steady, no one is judging you really.”
You can find the first part of the story below:
