The Need
A Collaborative Effort With Ameaka
Me — how much of me do you want?
how much of me do you need?
where am I lacking to you?
what can be done?
you say that you want the very
essence of real, but when real
is alive, you long to kill it —
shoot it down, tie it to a tree,
and watch it take its last breath.
I am not your artwork.
This is not your playing field.
I owe you nothing more than
what you have gained
and what you have gained
has been standing in
front of you naked —
yearning to be the thing
you need.
waiting for you to see
it is me.
Do you see me? Really?
You think you do but I’m not so sure.
Your eyes look like they strip me naked;
I don’t know if it's my heart they stare into
or just my skin.
I’m the girl whose guts beg to be spilled
But I now chew my tongue, afraid to let the truth slip.
I leave you hints like breadcrumbs
along the lines of our conversation
and I know you see them,
bury pieces of me in my writing
and know you read them;
So why haven’t you reached me?
Do you enjoy this? Messing with my brain?
This dancing back and forth, ever so close but never enough.
Listen, I didn’t call you; you snuck into my head.
But why am I the one chasing you?
Do I scare you?
My spirit’s too heavy for you?
Sorry if I only know how to be intense.
But I try to soften it for you, with wit and eye rolls;
I try to baby-feed you.
I can be soft for you,
Something you can wrap your arms around,
If you want Me — What do you need me to be?
Do I make you nervous? You should be.
Because I’m not as calm as I seem.
I see you drumming your fingers and tapping your heels
And squeezing the life out of that can as
I watch you tell every story but the one just beyond your lips.
I have fears too, bigger than some nightmares can hold
Though you are the one who’s running — this time.
Me — What do you need me to be?
Should I try to bend for you, fold for you, be still for you?
Why do you seem afraid to see me? Am I too much for you?
Which parts of me do you want? And which do I have to throw away?
You tell me not to change but you can’t seem to want me as I am.
You say you want a knowing that transcends all boundaries,
that calls to your sensitivity
yet I keep serving myself up on a platter
but you don’t want a taste.
We reach the edge so many times but never jump.
Can we drop the anti- and just climax?
How much of me do you want?
What do I need to lose for you?
Am I what you want,
but have always been afraid to need?
I can’t promise to be small for you,
But I promise you won’t need me to be.
Can you play?
Are you game?
The ball is in your court now — I am waiting
for your next shot.
If you want me,
what is your need?
Copyright© Tremaine L. Loadholt and Ameaka, 2019. All Rights Reserved.
*What can I say about Ameaka? She does not back down from a challenge. She gives her heart and puts her all into her words. This Young Mind of Medium is an Editor of the publication Self-ish, where she, alongside others, showcase Writers from many different spaces and places in Africa. She is a force to be reckoned with.
Our first collaborative effort — where I had the pleasure of doing the audio for this lovely poem:
Thank you for reading.
