The Truth behind Motivation

The other day a friend of mine asked me a fairly simple question that affected me deeply, not in a bad way but in a thought provoking way; what drives you? She said probably in a not so cavalier but equally not intentionally daunting fashion, I wish I could say I can respond in a similar manner.

Here’s the thing, I don’t believe there’s one thing that drives or motivates me or people in general. There might be one BIG thing that drives you everyday but without the little things around it, it would certainly fall apart.

With that in mind, what drives me?

I live in a constant state of fear but as everyone tries to make their lives more comfortable as they can, I try to make it harder and more challenging everyday. That has been the one truth which has guided me through all the choices and decisions I have taken over the years.

As an unschooled child who was very much a tom-boy I decided to go to an all girls Catholic college for the first time in my entire life while knowing all too well I have never been able to relate to girly girls at large. Being really sickly growing up to a point that everyone was convinced I could never take care of myself I chose to move to an entire different continent to do my Masters and since graduating, I suppose it’s easier to get an admin job than what I do now but not only am I physically incapable of doing so (because of my health) but I also didn’t spend much time applying for those kinds of jobs. The nail in the coffin was early on in one of the interviews (because I can write a damn good cover letter despite never having had a job before) I was asked ‘where do you get your passion for retail from?’ and the only answer I could think of would not be greatly appreciated by the interviewer so I decided to politely get up and leave.

And then I managed to navigate myself within the professional space when I was told to stop working and retire from life by my doctor who I would say is a pretty credible source. As if that wasn’t enough, I figured hey why not create a project that’s grown into this life-form of it’s own that I now need to spend more time attending to it than actually doing the sane, freelancing jobs that kept me going and comfy.

I know none of this answers the question; what keeps me going?

The point I’m trying to make is that we all have choices to make, decisions to take everyday — you can either choose to make yourself more comfortable or uncomfortable when presented with such decisions. Which one are you choosing?

Now the natural question is going to be; so how are you comfortable with making the uncomfortable choices? And that’s a very legitimate question.

As I said earlier, I live in a constant state of fear. Fear not the way is commonly imagined in our social consciousness the fear of not doing enough. Some might say this is the feeling of incompetency, insecurity or even just plain expression of ineptness but at the end of the day it keeps me going, motivated to do more, see more, exploring things which are scaring and sometimes outright insane.

Is this good?

I am clearly not qualified to answer that mostly because I don’t know any other way rather I haven’t tried it any other way. But here’s one thing I can tell you, the sense of achievement you get when you do something that your past self thought was impossible is a feeling that’s outrageously addictive so you could say I am constantly trying to prove to myself that I am better than I was before.

Along with the fear of not exploring enough, it’s combined with a fear of stagnancy.

Nothing scares me most, not even not exploring than finding myself in the same place in life as I was last year, last week or even a few hours ago. If I haven’t learnt something new everyday alarm bells begin to go off in my mind which propels me into exploration thereby creating this not so amusing as much as it is a curiously effective cycle.

The next time you find yourself in a point you have to make a decision (even the mundane everyday decisions we consider small, those are the ones that reap the biggest rewards — should you wake up an hour earlier than before or should I eat dinner at 7 or 10 at night?) ask yourself, what are you afraid of and if this decision in any way positively or negatively impacts your fears? You’ll find yourself answering the question consequently making some very interesting choices when you start doing this.

Let’s take this post for example; what are my motivations for writing this?

I am afraid of doing the same things so answering my friend back in short, concise texts felt a bit unimaginative which made me explore new ways to answer her question ergo this post.

I’m so scared of falling into the trap of mundane actions and reactions such as replying to her text saying something like ‘I don’t know any other way’ or ‘you just have to trust your gut’ which is all true but a load of BS when not understood within the right context.

I am terrified of letting this opportunity pass to write this post that could potentially reach a lot more people than one person whom I adore and love but I’m sure she’d agree if you can do 5 great things to one person or 1 great thing to 100 people you should always pick the latter because you can never fully grasp the ripple effect you’re bringing into effect which will ultimately lead to a lot more than 5 great things.

That doesn’t mean this post is of any great significance, in fact if I believed that this would be the end of my pursuit of greatness or to something slightly better than where/what I am now and as I feel the fear crawling into me asking me not to hit publish on this post because it shows exactly how vulnerable I really am, I know it’s time to click publish and thank you for taking the time to read this far.

Bhavani Esapathi is a writer and speaker on digital innovation within cultural industries. She mentors at The Goethe Institut and has spoken at/collaborated with The V&A, The British Museum and The British Council. Her most recent initiative is a social tech hub The Invisible Labs aimed at illuminating the invisible aspects of those living with autoimmune conditions. Join the Chronically Driven Letters to get weekly personal emails from her directly into your inbox if you enjoyed reading this post and say hello on Twitter @bhaesa.