Welcome to the world of internet comments. It’s like the Great Land Run of 1893; anyone can make a name for themselves, claim their territory if they work hard enough at it. The power of anonymity is insurmountable. Behind your computer, you can be a distinguished professor and expert at any topic. You can speak for all groups and peoples. It’s actually quite magical. If there’s one thing to know about how to being “good at internet-ing”, it’s about winning the argument. Forget learning anything, forget dialogue- leave that to the weak. You want to have the last word, the perfect retort that no one can top. If your comment is the most nested on the right, you win the internet. Below are the best tricks of the trade.

“Get a hobby!”

If someone is passionate about something, they obviously are weordps who are obsessing over something. They need to be told to get a life and stop wasting their time talking about it. Whether it’s a love for a television show, an analysis of a video game, knitting, politics; the important thing is to make them feel like they are abnormal for caring about this thing. You may want to tell someone that they should care about the real issues. Who cares about this one guy on The Walking Dead when there are people being politically oppressed every day around the world? Why are they so concerned about being vegan to support animals when there are humans suffering?

The Oppression Olympics

Everybody knows that literally anything is a contest, even human suffering. And everyone know that ethic and social identities can always be ranked by who has it the worst. Anyone who claims Antisemitism needs to be schooled about slavery in the deep South to be put in their place. Someone complaining about their home repairs needs to be reminded that hey, some people don’t have a home at all. This is especially effective when you are commenting on a thread that is actually not about sociology or social issues- you can throw around some impressive buzzwords that will make the others feel incredibly stupid and make you feel educated.

In fact, anytime you can remind someone that they are whining about First World Problems, jump right in there. Because privileged people are not allowed to express any emotions except straightforward gratefulness while also remaining humble. If they earn a decent living, they should not be able to afford any material objects without being made to feel incredibly shamed. Sometimes your opponent may beat you to the punch by writing “haha, #firstworldproblems” after their comment, therefore stealing your thunder.

Your experience is the only one that matters.

Any argument about the institutional oppression of a social group can be singularly undone with an example from your life that is contrary to the argument. And I mean any experience. Talking about how girls are socialized to avoid conflict? Make sure you mention how you were a spitfire when you were a kid. Discussing the need for affirmative action? Mention how you are pissed because you couldn’t get into Harvard and had to settle for Dartmouth. Every woman you meet turns you down? Women must be using the friendzone to manipulate men.

Close the deal

Some people may just decide to ignore you, perhaps deciding not to spend time on the argument and doing other things. On the internet, no one is more than a few clicks away. Find their Facebook, twitter, hell, even their LinkedIn. Continue to engage them on any of these you can find; this is a conversation they started, they are under obligation to see this through. It’s not stalking, it’s winning.

Share loaded messages and sub-tweets

Even if you didn’t put the person in their place in that very moment, all hope is not lost! You have the power of your own voice and you can carry it over to all social media and even other posts. Be vague enough, but also be specific enough so they really know what you mean. Tweet something about how “some people” just don’t get it. “Some people” would benefit from a good lay. “Some people” really need to grow up.

Shame Those Bodies

If you are really struggling, body-shaming is always a good go-to. Even if what you are talking about has nothing to do with appearance, calling someone “fat”, “unrapeable”, even “virgin” is good way to really show how passionate you are about your stance. After all, someone that doesn’t agree with you is also probably not as good -looking as you.

Animated Gifs!

If you are at a loss for words, just post a lot of animated gifs of shallow reality stars rolling their eyes. Preferable of a sassy black woman.

First Words Are Everything

If your argument is not that strong, start your comment with things like “ummmmmmm”; “Honey”, and even the simple “Wrong!”. Since the written word is hard to convey tone, you need some more dynamic ways of addressing people.

Claim Reverse Racism.

Claim that some events that marginalized people hold are the ultimate inequity. Where’s your straight pride? When is White History Month? Why can’t you major in Men’s Studies? WHEN WILL THE WORLD GET ‘WHITE ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION’? [All caps at your discretion.] It’s a zero sum game, obviously. Others getting rights means some of yours may be taken away. And that’s just not fair!

Being Misunderstood Means Being Cyber-Bullied

You are expressing an opinion, and since the opinion comes from you, it is an extension of you. Therefore, when someone attacks it, they are attacking you. This is bullying, and it’s a real hot topic right now. Never mind that kids at schools are killing themselves at schools because of bullying, someone else on the internet has challenged you!

The Great Departure Announcement

So maybe you can’t win all arguments. If you can’t win, run away, and make sure everyone knows it. Write a sensational comment or social status update about how you are leaving the site/Facebook/internet, etc. Claim that you need to focus on more positive things in life, and are sick of the haters and the drama. Perhaps hint at some sort of personal mental health problem, blaming this on the haters and the critics. True, it would be easier just for you to literally leave, but you want to be sure people know what they have done.

But, don’t delete your account right away. You want to check back often to see those that beg you to stay. Then delete. Then come back a month later, claiming to have turned over a new leaf. Then leave again. Repeat several times.

You can’t go wrong when employing these techniques- in fact, they are guaranteed ways to ensure that you are never wrong, guaranteed to derail conversations, and guaranteed to shut everyone else down. In other words, you win!