How To Guarantee Your Coworkers Will Despise You

Technology. Can we trust it? Make sure you always keep the conspiracy alive in people’s minds.

Be reluctant and suspicious of all new technology that comes into your office. The old way seems to be working just fine- it’s got you through ‘til now, right? Tell that techie geek dork nerd to take their programs elsewhere, thousands of businesses survived before computers. In fact, resist any and all change. When a new idea is presented, constantly remind everyone how things have always been done. Make sure you say “we always do [the project] this way” verbatim. List all the ways it could go wrong. Complain how much more work it will take.

Even though the internet sends and receives billions of emails per day, there’s a the chance that your email “got lost in the system”. You should be suspicious if you don’t get an answer from the recipient within thirty seconds. Email is supposed to be convenient, so why the delay? Maybe it got eaten up in that complicated system of twisty tubes we call the internet. What happened to good old face to face convo like the pioneers used? Hoist yourself up by your ergonomic chair handles, make your way across the beige carpet tile of the office and hang your hands over the cubicle of the recipient, like Wilson hanging over the fence, Home-Improvement-style. Ask “did you get my email?” just to be sure. It also helps to convey how important your request is over all others. Remember, don’t leave until you get an answer!

Speaking of email: you know that CC field in email underneath the To: line? That is for entering in your boss, their boss, someone else’s boss, your HR rep, the president of the company, your whole work group, the janitor, the interns, and the satellite office. A healthy company has good communication, which is why you need to keep everyone in the loop about everything. Especially if you suspect someone did something wrong or dropped the ball on a project. All the people involved should know this immediately and the person should be forced into a reply-all-pocalypse with those on the email chain, defending themselves against accusations. Being accountable is a good thing, right?

“This is my own personal version of hell”, your coworker quips to you as you sit down for yet another staff meeting with your entire department. You chuckle, but you don’t really know what she means. Meetings are necessary! We’re all sitting in our offices all day, it’s nice to use this time to socialize and interacts. And, a positive side effect is that you’ll hear important department announcements. You probably have questions that pertain to you specifically and no one else because your job is so special. Go ahead and ask them at this meeting; you rarely get facetime with the boss, right? The other people won’t mind, they’ll know that you need answers and you demand them now. This about you getting your job done while looking like you care so much that you have to know everything right then.

When at a meeting, make sure you demand that everyone takes the time to have a personal check-in at the beginning of the meeting. Role model how to be open; tell a long and inappropriate story about your weekend to show how trusting you are to open up to the group. When your coworkers don’t reciprocate, they’ll out themselves as not being a “team player” and hold it against them for about six weeks until the end of time.

Open any business manual and it will surely say that successful companies always value feedback.

No duh. How can anyone grow if they can’t hear information on how to improve? Don’t hold back from giving feedback on something at any time. The night before a document goes to print? No problem, point out that you would have used a different font. The day of a major event? Tell the organizer that there was a better way to set up the tables. In fact, if you are in a meeting and someone asks for feedback, just say the first thing that comes to mind. You didn’t have any opinion right before this moment, but your colleague is generous enough to give you the opportunity, you have to say something!

You want to show everyone who much you care about the company and how serious you take it. This is part of your life, your identity. Office business is your business. Take personal offense if someone doesn’t like your idea. Stop a difficult meeting so everyone can process your feelings. The more emotional you are, the more it will show how invested you are in your work. Don’t let the meeting continue until you get your way. If someone disagrees with you, tell them that you are not being “heard” or “respected” and how no one in the company is your “advocate.” All thoughts are valid, even if decisions have been made previously. Quickly shut down anyone who dares to to a recap or create “action items.” How rude of them! They are restricting those that have a more relational work style. It’s oppressive and frankly, discrimination against people that care about the rest of the team.

Success never came to anyone who didn't work hard.

And boy, do you work hard. Or, at least, that’s the mindset you need to be in when your brain tries to rationalize why you spend so much time at work because you are afraid of confronting the problems in your personal life. You want others to know how hard you work. After all, isn’t that what they base promotions on? Don’t let a moment pass when you don’t remind people how busy you and how stressed out that makes you. “Wow,” you say to your neighbor as he goes to meet some friends for lunch, “you’re lucky you get to take a lunch break” as you hover over your sad turkey-and-mustard-on-white-bread in your cubicle. “I don’t have time.” You have to get those numbers in before the afternoon because you spent all morning on Pinterest.

You know you are doing a great job of showing people how busy you are when someone asks you if you need help getting stuff done. It’s a nice sentiment, but how could they possibly understand what is you do? It’s so unique and special and integral and busy and no they will never be able to even begin to help. “Why don’t you bring up your workload with your boss? I am sure she can help you prioritize or delegate it to someone else,” says the same slack-off that took a WHOLE HOUR for lunch. Why in the world would you do that? That may result in you going home at 5pm, thus resulting in you having to face your empty, lonely jr 1-bedroom which is a metaphor for your life right now, or the spouse and three kids you don’t feel like seeing. No, being busy allows you to stay way past 5pm, and that’s something you want to brag about the next day.

You work so hard because you want to ensure a quality product, which means you want to do everything right. When you are assigned a project, make sure you go check with your coworker every time you hit a roadblock or something comes up that was unexpected or not specifically explained to you. You don’t want to do anything to make your workgroup look bad! Make sure you don’t move forward with something unless they tell you how to do it explicitly. A mean coworker may get exponentially more annoyed as you ask questions because they don’t appreciate your contributions. They may throw around nonsense terms like “problem-solving” and “self-efficacy” but they are just covering up their insecurities.

Gossiping and complaining is so tempting!

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You can indulge in it when you need to. . It’s not bad, you just want to “vent.” Venting is healthy, so why stop? Also, you don’t want to disturb anyone while you do it, so do it in a hushed whisper with a coworker in the corner whatever chance you can get. And with anyone who will listen, even if you were just “venting” about that person previously. You may change the villain of your story based on who you are talking to, but it’s not the content it’s the action that matters. A healthy company is one that has accountability, so be sure to find fault in every person in the company for something, except for yourself. Never consider yourself part of the problem. I mean, you’re so busy, so that means you are working hard! You clearly have the knowledge equivalent to someone with a Harvard MBA, if only everyone would do what you want them to.

I think there’s some research somewhere that says sitting at an office the entire day is unhealthy. Not many people know this, so it is up to you to start an awareness campaign in your office. Put together a “walking club.” Forward people “life hacks” that help improve help. THose that don’t partake are just in denial, so it is up to you to push through that denial and keep hounding them about not exercising with you. Role model your healthy eating and talk about what you brought for lunch to anyone who will listen. And I mean everything. How you prepared it, what you substituted, how many Weight Watchers Points it has. People feel weird asking about this stuff, so just keep telling everyone even if they don’t ask.

Celebrations boost morale!

Bring in a baked good any time someone celebrates a birthday, a wedding, a baby, a little league game, a hallmark holiday. Encourage everyone to have a slice, and keep persisting even if they say no. They are just trying not to be “bad,” but really they are being rude if they don’t try it. Shame them into eating a piece if they at first refuse to. Take note of who eats and who ddoesn't this will frame who you choose to be nice too. But if someone is eating too much, casually remind them of the walking club you started.

Then again, if all of the above mentioned fails to get you attention, fake a panic attack.

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