On a first date talk about the things that really matter!

It was in January 2014, a few months after painful, but at the same time peaceful breakup, that I saw this quote on Facebook:

Little did I know at that time that this quote will be the starting point of a long personal journey. After reading it a few times and agreeing with it strongly, I remember asking myself: what is it that I want in a partner? It so happens that just a few weeks earlier I read somewhere that if you want to reach a “goal” you better write it down or it might not happen.

So, I started to write.

I was writing down everything I could think of. The pages began to pile up, but I could just felt it in my guts that something wasn’t right! I remember asking myself whether the words on the paper truly stated what I wanted? Was that really representing me for who I was? Were those my core values and life goals?

And that is how my journey began! The journey of exploring what my true core values, goals and beliefs were. What I really loved doing, and was truly important to me. How I pictured myself with my future family.

I was going through pages, sentence by sentence with all the critical thinking I possessed. Deleting most of them and writing everything from scratch all over again. Reading, re-writing, and learning a lot about myself along the way.

At the end of this soul-searching process here is what I learned about myself.

Allow me to tell you how my love story begins.

People love to talk about superficial, everyday matters. Well, my firm belief is the sooner you dig into those crucial things; like person´s values, goals, beliefs, and pretty much everything that shapes you as a person, the better. Why wasting precious time just to find out later, you are completely different. Why torturing yourself, walking on egg-shelves when you can speak openly about the things that matter to you from the very beginning.

Mind you, I´m referring to all kinds of relationships, not only romantic ones. People should talk openly and more often about important things. They should discuss them with their partners, family members, friends, colleges, business partners and everyone else who is a part of someone´s ˝inner circle˝.

But now, I would like to talk about a romantic relationship.

This is what I have in mind…

Imagine a cozy little coffee shop, two people sitting at the table and enjoying a delicious cup of coffee. The man on the right is me, and the woman on the left is my future companion.

Her: Are you ready?

Me: For what?

Her: For jumping in? Are you ready to commit to your partner? To be a part of a relationship and not only the ship lost in the sea?

Me: Well, I had enough of that already. Yes, I am. I am ready to commit. Believe it or not, I have grown a lot over past few years. Life has been very generous with lessons so far.

So, yes. I am ready.

Her: Do you know what you want from a relationship?

Me: Absolutely! First, keep in mind, this is just my perspective. This is merely who I am, so don´t get scared off right away. I understand it takes two to tango and I am willing to accept that, completely.

Her: OK!?! Tell me, what are you looking for in your life companion?

Me: I see myself with a person who will share my core values with me. It would be great to have the same beliefs, and it wouldn´t hurt to set a few similar goals as well.

Her: Well, you are quite a demanding person, aren´t you?

Me: No, not really. Bear with me for a second. Trust me, I just want the same what most of us want. A partner to join me on this journey so we can explore the world within us, to grow together and build a lasting partnership-together.

Her: Right. Are you ready to tell me what your core values, beliefs, and goals are?

Me (to myself; Great question! This one, I know by heart): Hmm, let me think for a second. One of my top values would be Personal integrity. You know, a ˝walk the talk˝ mentality. I stopped listening to people a long time ago because in my opinion words are cheap. Now I simply pay attention to their actions and if they are aligned with what they are saying. I know I would not be able to live with someone who is full of bullshit (pardon my language).

Her: I agree. That sounds reasonable.

Me: I had a wonderful childhood and loving parents. I knew I could count on them. And till this day I know that I can count on my mother, no matter what. For me, family always comes first. I would certainly look for this in my partner. She needs to have her priorities straight. Regarding the family, I mean.

Her: Oh, a family man. Interesting!

Me: Well, that´s just the way it is. I wouldn´t settle for anything less.

Her: You know what? That´s fine by me. Mind you, there would have to be a lot of communication to work things out, don´t you agree?

Me: Of, course! What are you? A mind-reader?!? That would be my next thing on the list. Talk, talk, talk…We are not robots so we should be able to sit down and talk things through. I strongly believe this is a very important part of every relationship. Talking about everything that comes along, and not being afraid of sharing your emotions. You know, putting yourself out there and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

Her: No, I am no clairvoyant creature. I am just a woman. Talking, sharing emotions and being vulnerable is after all our domain.

Me: Yes, I suppose so. You are right. Ok, here is another one. Food — cooking is my obsession, and I want to share that with my partner, with the entire family for that matter. I would vote for a big family so I could cook for all of us.

Her: Wait a minute! Food and women? You see the problem, here?

Me: Why? Are you questioning my cooking? Don´t. I would find the way to cook just the right food for you. There are plenty of possibilities for that. So, what do you think? Did I freak you out?

Her: (laughter) Yes, a little. But it doesn´t matter, as long as you are ready to hear me out and accept my point of view as well. I´m living and breathing being too, you know? I´m not just a puppet ready to be sited in the corner somewhere and smile. You need to understand that.

Me: Absolutely! That goes without saying. As I already mentioned, I am open to communication so we can share anything. We don’t have any secrets, and we truly listen to each other. There are no lies between us. We accept one another for who we are and not trying to change each other. We don’t judge but try to help, instead. We need to be able to learn from past mistakes, so we won´t repeat them again.

Her: I like what I hear. But, you will have to really step it up, if you want to have a relationship like this. The real world is something entirely different than imaginary situations. You do realize that, don´t you?

Me: Oh, believe me, I do. I mean it, I KNOW.

My life wasn´t a fairytale. It was as real as it gets. And there is no one else to blame but me. I learned a lot, from my past failures. They made me the person I´m today. No regrets. Well, almost none. At my age, everyone comes with some baggage, but we can accept our past and not obsess about it.

Her: I agree. Everyone has her/his past that effects present and it will probably affect future as well. Who knows?

Speaking of past life. Would you accept my kids?

Me: I really don’t mind if you have children from past relationship. I know I would love them as much as the ones we would have together.

Her: I´m glad to hear that. I must admit your heart is in the right place.

Tell me one more thing. What makes you feel alive?

Me: I am a big sucker for passion and soul. I love to see that sparkle of passion in people’s eyes and travel to places that still have a soul. Everything I do in my life is driven by passion — I possess a great love for life, and I want to see that in my partner and later in our children too. I want us to enjoy the path and not just the final destination!

Her: Wow, great answer! Well, I have just one more question. If you could show me my future life with you — what would you show me?

Me: This is getting quite serious, isn´t it? Well, I would like to have a big family. We would live in a small country house with big garden, where we would be able to grow our own food and have lots of animals (preferably rescued from shelter — I already have two cuddly sweethearts). I can see how we wake up together. Later on, I would cook breakfast and drive children to school. We would devote ourselves, our children and animals loads and loads of time and love. I truly believe that this is what we need to be happy.

Her: I must admit, this was a great coffee. I´m very interested and would like to continue with our conversation. What do you think?

Me: (relieved and happy) Oh, there is so much more I could tell you. So much more to talk about. I am truly looking forward to exploring the world with you!

I, know. It´s a typical Hollywood ending. But I don´t care. This is my scenario, and even though, I am a guy; I´m allowed to have just that — a sobbing happy-ending. I think most of us want that. Even though, it is hard to admit it sometimes. It´s just so easy to be in love with love, no matter who you are.

So, anyhow! I don´t want to jinx my future, so I wrote it all down. Just to be sure to make it happen.

How about you?

Have you figured out already where your future will take you? Who would you like to have beside you when you reach your final destination? Think about it. Don´t wait too long and give it a shot. Choose yourself and allow yourself to be in love. Don´t turn into one of those lonely souls out there. (What a great self-advice, as well!) So, my fellow ˝sufferers˝, let´s be courageous and take the leap to unknown.

˝Anything can happen˝ could be our motto.

And now, last but not least, I am talking directly to you.

I know you are out there somewhere, and I am looking forward to meeting you. I don´t know where. I don´t know when. I just know you are there, waiting for me to find you.