Once my friend offended me.
The rule of thumb is…
Never mix people from different friendship groups.
I followed it religiously till one day I said to myself: Nah! It’s gonna be fine!”
It wasn’t.
There’s this illusion that I know myself well. I know what to expect from me in most social situations. But once in a while, I surprise myself. And it’s never a pleasant surprise.
Two of my friends from group A just met my other friend from group B. We are causally strolling through the Sunday flea market. At the same moment me and my friend from group B are trying to tell different details of the same story that happened to us.
Suddenly my friend from group B turned to me and say: “Oh shut up!” and continue to tell her part of the story.
Time freezes. Planets stop revolving around the sun. The thick cold silence of shock going through my body. In the corner of my eye, I can see the almost unnoticeable surprised expression of my friends faces from group A. But it vanishes in a second and the conversation continues.
First minutes I was shocked and not able to acknowledge what just happened.
I and my friend from group B continued browsing through the market. I knew that I have to say something about it. But I felt so humiliated that talking about it would humiliate me even more.
Inside of me everything was frozen and paralyzed. The was no space for that emotion. That anger and despair didn`t not fit in the frame of that chill Sunday morning. I shouldn’t feel that way. But I was right there feeling my guts filled with anger and everything else but joy.
I thought I will shake it off.
I had no idea how to handle that. It was like you find yourself about to throw up in a taxi without a bag or a hat to puke in. You have that up to your throat.
I thought I forgive and forget.
Starting this conversation was so painful as I was so extraordinary ashamed of what I ‘ve felt. It was like trying to get an arrow from your knee. The more you pull the worse the pain is.
I thought I forget and move on.
So it’s all about expectations. I assumed that I and my friend had an emotional bond and agreement that we don’t hurt each other’s feelings. We don’t make each other feel small in public. Maybe for her, it was just a joke and she didn’t realize that she hurt me.
For some people, it is even a sign of closeness. People humiliate each other lovingly. So her shutting me up was just a sign of how close friends we were.
But I presumed that if we that close she will never do anything like that to me. I always believed that communication is the key. However, I didn’t feel like I had to talk about the fact that I don’t like when someone shut me up in front of my friends. I thought it was obvious.
Usually, when someone neglects my boundaries, I try to speak up and explain what I felt. I do that so our relationship and communication have a chance to become stronger. But in this case, I felt like I don't have any power over that.
I can’t control it. All the doors are shuttered immediately. Red alarm lights are on. It is the evacuation hour. The surface flips and I find myself in a parallel reality where I have nothing in common with my friend and never will be.
You never know when it will happen. The rules are unknown and vague.
What can you do if you can`t just explain and discuss everything upfront?
Shall I just say when I meet a new person: “Hi! I am Anna! Please don't hurt my feelings”?
