The Encounter
A friend and I decided to wear sharis for a party in the afternoon. We also decided that we are going to fix few things in our outfit. I wanted to get rid of the sleeves on one my golden blouse. We both needed to hem the sides of our Katan sharis. We planned to do these while watching TV. There was one problem though. She had only black thread at home. So we decided we are going to make a quick trip to Joann’s Fabric. We both had to return some stuff at Express, too. Mall was added to the route. I wore my cheap and fab red jersey dress, some black tights and the Clarks all-terrain boots. Perfect for a lazy stroll on a rainy day.
The mall by their house is a pathetic little shopping mall. Last time I went there was more than a year back on a Black Friday. Two days before my ex had left. We entered through Macy’s. My friend remembered that she had to buy a purse for her mom. We took the escalator inside to that level. As I was walking towards the bag section somebody I knew very well walked past me. I think we made eye contact and saw each other. But I am not sure anymore. I think I smiled and said hi. I have a reflex to say hi. But neither of us stopped. I definitely stopped and looked back after we had already crossed each other and there was that person standing with the gang.
I was not sure what just had happened. My friend did not see them. She kept on shopping. I was completely overthrown off my lets-chill-and-shop mood into a sad-mad-humiliated one. I walked to the perfume section and saw them again. I tried to wash it off and walked to the MAC counter. MAC always cheers me up. But there they were again. I patiently waited at the front of the counter as they finished at the back and again walked past me. I was not sure if it was my red jersey dress, me generally or that they really did not see me and I was thinking too much into it.
We went back upstairs finally after an hour. We had planned to get into the main mall. I saw them again from a distance at the exit, checking out shoes. I took a sharp left and hid in the dress section. This time my friend was in front of me. She saw them. I could hear parts of their conversation.
After sometime she came back looking for me. First thing she said, “Why are you hiding? You have not done anything wrong, come out and walk just past them.” I pumped up my adrenaline and planned to march out. But there was a definite eye contact and I couldn't — that reflex to say hi. I held my head high, wore a fake smile and asked everybody how they were doing. I asked about everybody at their homes. They didn't ask me anything. I have met them at parties and we have corresponded quite a lot before. They should have recognized me. May be they didn't. May be they did, but didn't know what to ask or what to talk about.
Many don’t. Some end up hurting me more by asking me something that might be an innocent question to them. But my heart aches answering those. Somebody really nice had tried to console me saying at least I didn't have kids. I wanted to run out. I had yelled at my friends violently initially for asking and suggesting too many things. This was a year back when they were still trying to make a sense of what had happened to us. They realized soon. Nowadays I make close friends brief hosts of a party before I attend. I still try not to approach people I know but have not been in touch recently when I meet them. I am scared they will turn around, be disgusted. I have cried myself to sleep few times after an event because I felt like that.
I have also steamed up many times because somebody asked me with all the kindness in the world, “How are you doing?” and nothing else. Then gave me the warmest hug. Nothing says I am here for you like a hug or a tap on the shoulder. All I need is that. You may think I am doing this all wrong. You may think I am too active on Facebook. You may think I should go home. You may think all this travelling is not helping me. But don’t judge me and turn your back. Dont be a stranger. Just be there for me.
